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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, " How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, " Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years".
Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night ."
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says "Sure".
"You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You shouldn't be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness, to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making. But the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in.
The lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step, he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally, the crab spoke.
"F**k, I'm pissed."
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!"
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.
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What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Sorry :)
Then the man sees another man come by, stand there and be silent. After 2 minutes, he asks:
'Hey, where am I?'
Other man answers:
'Well, you are in a balloon, approximately 5 meters above the ground on a dung heap.'
'Hmmm, you must be an engineer!'
'How do you know?'
'Well, first you just stand there and say nothing and when I ask you something, your answer is very detailled and logic but doesn't help me at all.'
Then the other replies:
'Well, and you must be a consultant.'
'How did you know?'
'You try to manage something you obviously have no clue of, get yourself into a heap of s**t, ask the engineer stupid questions and get mad when you don't get the answer you expected.'
A tomato family is on its Sunday walk across the countryside. There is Daddy Tomato, Mummy Tomato, Junior Tomato and Baby Tomato. After a while, they have to cross a road. Daddy and Mummy look left and right and then cross. Junior follows them and Baby is trailing a bit.
Daddy, Mummy and Junior cross safely, but as Baby is on the road, a car drives by and runs him over. Daddy and Mummy don't even notice, but Junior turns around to the remains of Baby and shouts 'Catch up!'.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was tied to the 1st monkey.
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over?
Because it thought it was a monkey.
;)
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Two guys are sitting around a computer and the one guy is saying to the other one: "No, I'm not backing up our files- I'm just assuming that the FBI is making copies."
Hunter to dog (after shooting): 'Go get it!'
Dog to hunter: 'Error 404, object not found'.
Legend: 'How you discover that your dog has been surfing the Net the whole night.'
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First image: Computer screen showing 'Please press any key'
Second image: Computer screen showing 'Please press any key'
Third image: Computer screen showing 'Please press any key'
Fourth image: Computer screen showing 'Please press any key to completely lose control over me'
Fifth image: User saying 'Wait! What was that last thing again?' Computer screen 'Oh nothing, please press any key'
The doctor examines him and shakes his head, "We have to amputate."
Of course, the poor guy is beside himself with grief. "Amputate!" he yelps. So he visits three more doctors and they all recommend the same thing.
Desperate, our poor hero reasons to himself, "Why am I going to Western doctors to treat this? I'm going to an Eastern doctor for some Eastern Medicine."
So, he goes to the nearest Eastern Herbalist who takes a look the guy.
"Well Doc, what do ya' think? Da- Does it have to amputated?"
The doctor shook his head, "Western medicine, Bah! Cut, cut that's all they want to do!"
The poor guy was elated! "Really! You mean you don't have to amputate?"
And the doctor says, "Of course not! It'll fall off by itself!"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him. He went over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A farmer notice that for the past two weeks his good old horse seems a bit sad and nothing seems to makes its mood go any better.
The farmer tries everything: carrots, 1st class straw, flowers, he even bring it a beautiful mare but nothing works. He is desperate.
At the end of the third week he decide to call the new vetenarian in town and book an appointment for the next day.
The following morning the vet arrives at the farm, examine the horse and tell the farmer that he knows what's wrong.
He comes to near the horse's hear whisper something that the farmer can't hear.
All of the sudden the horse starts 'laughing' and 'laughing' and the farmer is left staggered.
- how did you do it, says the farmer
- well that's my little trade secret, replies the vet, I can't tell you. And add that if the farmer needs anything else he just need to call him back, and he left.
The farmer is really please that its horse is feeling better but now that he can't makes it stop 'laughing' it still can't do any work. Again he tries to makes its mood change by reading sad stories, having it watch bambi an all that sort of crap to stop 'laugthing' but again, nothing works.
He then decided to call the vet back and have him come the next day.
The next morning the vet comes, asked to be left alone with the horse and a couple of minutes later the farmer hear that the laughs had stopped and wonders what magic trics the vet used this time.
- I must say that you are really really good Mr Vet, can you please tell me how you did it?
- no sorry I can't, trade secret.
- pleeeaaase, please and so the farmer insist for half an hour and the vet finally decide to tell him.
...
- Well, last week when you called me because you horse was sad I knew that I had to tell him something he would find funny to cheer him up so I told him that I had a bigger manhood than he did, and it worked, ...
- ... and today ...
- well, ... today I showed him.
Hope that it made you at least smile ;), if not my appologies.
Leo
When he's done looking, he prods the parrot a couple of times and says "I'm sorry, but this parrot is very definately dead."
Quite horrified, the woman goes hysterical for a while then questions the Vet - "what if he's not dead?...he might not be..."
The Vet shrugs his shoulders and walks out of the room, returning five minutes later with a tabby cat.
The cat jumps onto the Vet's table, sniffs the parrot and gives it a look up and down. Turning to the Vet, the cat shakes its head, jumps off the table and heads out of the room.
"But...but...he might be asleep" the woman wails.
Again, the Vet shrugs, heads out and comes back with a large labrador.
The dog jumps onto the table, sniffs the parrot and gives it a quick prod before turning to the Vet, shaking its head then leaving the room.
"I'm sorry, but this parrot is definately dead" says the Vet. "That'll be £100 please."
"£100 to tell me my parrot's dead!" says the woman.
"If you'd listened to me in the first place it would have been £20" the Vet replies. "But after the cat scan and the lab test....."
R.
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stomp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants round flat feet?
A: To stomp out burning ducks.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
How do elephants hide?
They wear sunglasses.
Have you ever seen an elephant wearing sunglasses?
Shows how well they are hidden!
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How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.
How do you put an elephant into the fridge?
Open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, close the door.
How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?
Look for footmarks on the butter.
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How do you put 4 elephants in a Beetle?
2 in the front seats, 2 in the back.
How do you know if 4 elephants are in a bar?
Look for a Beetle parked in front.
The panda orders a burger and eats it. He then pulls out a gun and kills the guy sitting next to him and nonchalantly walkes out of the bar. At this point the bartender doesn't know what to think. He just saw a panda come into his bar and kill a guy. He rushes out the door and sees the panda out on the street.
The bartender asks the panda "What is the deal with you... you come into my bar, have a meal, kill a guy and walk out. Do you mind explaining yourself?
The panda answeres "I was never sure what a panda was supposed to do so I looked it up in the encyclopedia and it says "A Panda eats shoots and leaves".
Barman - Hi, what can I get you?
Bear - Can I have a pint of lager and ..................................................................................a packet of crisps!
Barman - Why the big paws?
:¦
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20.
1 to change the bulb and 19 to remember how bright it used to be.
OK, what do you want me to do?, St Pete says, "I will give you a task to prove your honesty and patience".
St Peter says, “go to Waiki beach, and count every grain of sand then come back to me with the number”
Phewww! Says SEO, ok
Just when the SEO got to ten zillion and 56 grains, a huge gust of wind blew the sand all over.
SEO returns to St Peter and says, “hey I was nearly there and then this big wind came and made me lose count, can I have another chance.
“OK”, says St Peter, ‘see this bucket, take it to San Francisco bay and empty the water’
S…. thinks, SEO, ok.
Just when the SEO got to his 10 zillionth bucket full, a huge tidal wave came in and flooded the bay.
SEO returns to St Peter and says, “hey I was almost done and a huge tidal wave came in and flooded the bay….can I have one last chance?”
St Peter says “yes ok, you deserve another chance for showing honesty, see this search phrase ‘phentermine’, your task is to get a page one result in google.com”
SEO says, “Give me the bucket back”!
A guy went to a grocery store and asked the clerk behind the counter for 2 cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, I do," replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied, "but you'll have to prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you the dog food."
The frustrated customer went home to get his dog and pulled it on its
leash all the way to the store.
"Here's my dog!" said the tired customer.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of dog food."
2 days later, the same guy returned to the same store. He went up to the same clerk and asked for 2 cans of cat food.
"Do you have a cat, sir?"
"Of course, I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you the cat food."
The guy stormed out of the store, went home, grabbed his cat, dragged it to the store and held the cat by its tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of cat food."
The very next day, the guy returned to the store with a white shoebox with a small hole on its cover. He approached the clerk and placed the shoe box on the counter.
"Yes, sir, " asked the clerk, "What can I do for you?" "Put your finger in the hole," ordered the guy.
"I beg your pardon?" asked the clerk.
"Just do as I said. It won't bite."
Cautiously the clerk put his finger in the hole.
"Pull your finger out and tell me what it looks like," said the guy. The clerk pulled out his finger and exclaimed, "It looks like SH*T!"
"YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT! Now give me 2 rolls of toilet paper."
Anyhow:
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the police?
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A small medium at large!
Two goldfish are in a tank and one of them says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What's big white and falls out of a tree
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A fridge
Chris
