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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, " How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, " Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years".
Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night ."
And since someone else already used my one clean joke about the manager in a balloon and the engineer.... I shall have to resort to my other err.. reasonably... sorta.. presentable joke..
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A horse and a chicken grow up on a farm together and become best friends. It's a lovely farm and the sun shines all day and the birds sing and all day long horsey and chicky frolic and play in the green fields.. lalaladedodedo... and life is wonderful...
until one day, oh no! as the horse and the chick are playing in the green fields horsey slips and falls into a big mud puddle up to his neck and starts to sink! "help me chicky, save me, Ima drowning!" cries horsey.
Chicky runs about in a mad flap (because she's a chicken and that's kinda what they do) looking for the farmer.. she makes it back to the farmhouse, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen. His brand new current model BMW sedan is parked outside the house though.. so chicky jumps in, revs the car up and races back to horsey.. who grabs hold of a rope tied to the towbar and is pulled to safety. Go chicky!
So life resumes... and the sun shines and the birds sing and horsey and chicky play and frolic in the sunny green fields all day long.. lalaladedoyadayadayada...
until one day, oh no! as the horse and the chick are playing in the green fields chicky slips and falls into a big mud puddle up to her neck and starts to sink! "help me horsey, save me, Ima drowning!" cries chicky. "and the farmer has gone into town and taken the BMW with him! oh woe!".
So the horse stops and thinks for a second.. (because horses are marginally better in an emergency than chickens).. and says... "wait.. the puddle is deep but not very wide... perhaps I can straddle it"... and so he does... "now chicky... grab my *dingaling* and I'll pull you to safety!"... so chicky does... and horsey does.. and the day is saved! Go horsey!
The moral of the story? .... if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a flash car to pull chicks.
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*ducks rotten tomatos and exits stage left* thank you thank you.. I'm here all week..
Those darned monkeys must have carried it up there ;)
[edit reason] Managed to misspell the 9 word sentence above...[/edit]
[edited by: pixel_juice at 9:32 am (utc) on June 6, 2003]
A Panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. He orders his Bamboo juice and turn around to see a gorgeous looking woman stood behind him.
"Hi hunny you looking for a good time" she asks,
"Hey there I've been sat here for 10 minutes wishing I could find a girl like you".
They chat for a while and he finds out loads of information about her. After a while they leave the pub and go back to her house for a coffee.
A few drinks later with no coffee in sight they retire to the bedroom and start getting freaky.
2 hours pass when suddenly Panda comes flying out the room with the lasy in tow.
"Where do you think your going I was just warming up" says the girl.
Panda replies "read a dictionary and look under Panda, it says eats, shoots and leaves".
Is Brett reading this thread, or is it really a coincidence?
calls barman over,
"I'll have a beer, and one for the road.."
<apologies all>
D_o_U
One says to the other "can you smell fish?"
The barman sees him and says: "aren't you the piece of string I just told to leave?"
The string says: "no, I'm a frayed knot"....
(I'm sorry...)
I'm sure these jokes are getting older...
A man walks into a bar ----->Ouch!
you'da thought he'd have learned from watching the first guy.
hehe.. way old.
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You pokemon.
The barman asks the sandwich to leave.
"Sorry we don't serve food in here"
>>Chris_f, how could the fridge fall out of the tree if (according to pixel_juice in msg #8) in can't climb trees?Those darned monkeys must have carried it up there.
Ahem ... yeah! ... Sanity check please :)
Chris
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him "you're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your
circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!".
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big canvas tent?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused.
"So what the f*ck would they want with a bricklayer?"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Q: What animal knows how to tell time?
A: A clock-o-dile
Q: What animal is the best bowler?
A An alley-gator
Q: What bird likes to live in the ice box?
A: A fridgeon
Q: What's the dermatologist's favorite carnival game?
A: Whack-a-mole
Q: What animal likes to go to the dentist?
A: Molar Bears
Q: What undersea dweller is the best musician?
A: The Bachtopus
Q: Why did the soldier upgrade his Linux distribution?
A: He wanted a new kernal
One more from me or I may start to lower the tone ;)
What do poker and sex have in common?
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A Fish.
How many vampyres does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they like it in the dark.
;)
"Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
*grin* love that joke.
Q: How is having sex in a canoe like American beer?
A: Both are f*cking close to water.
Both are f*cking close to water.
Guess the same joke can be made about American coffee. ;)
