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The blonde took a seat and the mechanic lifted the bonnet and started his investigation. After a wee while she heard the car starting up and running as sweet as a nut. She went up to the mechanic and said, “What’s the story?”
“Jist crap in the Carburretor”, said he.
She said, “How often do I have to do that?”
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
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It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
A young man goes on a sea cruise and a terrible storm kicks up. The ship capsizes and he finds himself stranded on a deserted island. Thinking himself the sole survivor, he begins building a signal fire, then sees a lone figure coming up the beach . . . .
Amazed and astounded, as she comes closer it's not only a woman . . . . it's Cindy Crawford!*
After getting over the awkward meeting, they work together on the fire, collecting food, building camp. Weeks roll by and no sign of rescue, they are stranded. Naturally they take comfort with each other's company, fall in love . . and life is actually quite grand, stranded on a desert island with a beautiful woman.
One day the young man seems quite depressed, and Cindy asks what's wrong. "Okay this is going to sound weird . . . but please . . . trust me on this one. I have a favor to ask of you."
Confused, but curious, she says "Okay."
He quickly gathers some cocoanut shell strands, adheres it to her upper lip with gum arabic (winging it here) so she has a moustache, then puts one of the hats on her head that washed ashore. "Okay, I want you to start walking down the beach . . . keep going all the way around the island until you see me on the other side."
Weird, she thinks . . . but starts walking.
Fortunately it's a small island, smaller than the length of this joke. She sees him coming up the beach, and as he gets closer he begins to run. He comes up to her, grabs her by the arms, with the tone of an excited schoolboy says . . .
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"DUDE! You'll NEVER guess who I'm sleeping with!"
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*Enter favorite celeb here. Brad Pitt if you're a woman. Whatever.
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my Doberman Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking Doberman he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
With her hands now around the parrot’s neck she looks around her home. She doesn’t want to kill the bird – just teach it a lesson. The parrot meanwhile is making a terrible noise.
In exasperation she shuts it in the fridge thinking that both she and the parrot could do with cooling off. Seconds later the phone rings: it’s a friend inviting her out for dinner. In need of a break she accepts the invitation.
Several hours later Wanda returns. Sat on the sofa she reflects on how calm everything is – then remembers the parrot. It’s still in the fridge.
She rescues the parrot from its icy tomb and finds it’s nearly dead. She’s fraught with remorse.
After much nursing the parrot returns to health and two days later it speaks. “Okay,” it says, “I’ve learnt my lesson and I’ll never misbehave again.
“And by the way, what did the chicken do wrong?”
“And by the way, what did the chicken do wrong?”
The chicken, before becoming a meal, attempted a crazy advertising campaign with his friend, Colonel Sanders.
After watching sales fall off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I'm sorry. That's the Lord's prayer and I can't change the words. "So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It's the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I dont even have a racket."
Und vone vas ASSAULTED!
Peanut.
Apologies to the boys at Python
Geezer in training said “when it is past snot, what would it be?”.
Old geezer said “stone, concrete, cold hard steel”.
Geezer in training said “why snot?”
Old geezer said “because it's not”.
Bob works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey,
Bob! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When
they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,
honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him
and says "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting
into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but
his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you
picked up a real bitch this time!
Come on I am saving these for my speech!
The bouncers throw the string out into the street. The string, not to be pushed around by the bartender, ties himself up and unravels his ends, then walks back into the bar.
The bartender sees him and again shouts, 'Aren't you that stupid string that was just in here?"
The string replies "I"m a frayed knot!".
*bah-dump-dump!)
*Draggar ducks from tomatoes being thrown at him.
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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A. Apple pi...
The chicken, before becoming a meal, attempted a crazy advertising campaign with his friend, Colonel Sanders.After watching sales fall off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
this might be old news but the timing of posting this joke and the news item about a papal blessing for a kfc product [nrn.com] is unbelievable!
Man to Psychiatrist:
"You've gotta help me Doc, I'm having two recurring nightmares. One night I dream I'm a tee-pee, the next night I'm a wigwam. Then a tee-Pee, then a Wigwam-over and over and over again. It's driving me nuts!"
"That's easy," says the doctor "you're two tents."
booooo hissssss
<ducks>
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that is done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, The %#$*&#% funeral director would be my guess.
The boss. Hubby is in prison tonight, and tomorrow night..
there's a joke in there somewhere
A. A widow
Now, this guy's big, 6'6 and 275 pounds, and his bride can't be more than 100 pounds wet. She pulls on his trowsers, but they're baggy around the ankles and the belt almost goes around her waist twice.
"I can't wear these pants, they're too big," she complains.
"Thant's right," he says with a wry grin, "and as long as you REMEMBER that, things will be just fine around here."
Flashing him a playful sexy smile, she slips under the sheets, pulls off her panties, and tosses them to him. "Here big boy, put these on."
He gives it a go, manages to get one leg in up to the knee, and on attempting the second, topples over to the floor. "I can't get into these panties!"
"That's right," she says, "and until your attitude changes, that's the way it's going to stay."
lights out
3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25 yrs.
old, the second was 35 yrs. old, the third guy was 45 yrs. old and they all
had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as
a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife was in and shoot her
with the CIA agent's gun, so he takes the gun and goes and about a minute
later he comes in and explains how much he loves her so he leaves.
The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing, so he takes the
gun and about 15 minutes later comes in and explains how she is the mother
of his children and he can't do it.
Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes
and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG! and after that he hears
windows breaking and a whole bunch of racket. So he goes to the room and
kicks the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead wife
at his feet and the CIA agent yells "What have you done?" The man says,
"SOME FREAK PUT BLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!"
