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The blonde took a seat and the mechanic lifted the bonnet and started his investigation. After a wee while she heard the car starting up and running as sweet as a nut. She went up to the mechanic and said, “What’s the story?”
“Jist crap in the Carburretor”, said he.
She said, “How often do I have to do that?”
Yeah! And what happened next?
If you're ribbing me for a poor joke - point taken. :-) If you don't get it due to cultural differences, sorry - in the U.S., the head of household is the one who "wears the pants in the family" (circa 1950.) And since time immemorial, guys have always been trying to get into girls' panties. :-)
Friend: "Yeah?"
Guy: "Yeah, they're too tight and cutting into my groin."
The guy is in a bad shape, but on seeing the receptionist he is electrified. He can't believe it when he sees that she is gazing right back at him while absently stroking the pen she is holding. She flashes him a hugely sexy smile and gives him quite a naughty wink before he is wheeled out of the reception and on to the ward.
The next afternoon, as he is coming round from the general anaesthetic, the balding doctor comes in with a big grin on his face. The guy is numb all over but he manages to ask the doctor what the verdict is.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor, still grinning.
It's just beginning to dawn on the guy that he is short of breath, he can't move and he is still in incredible pain. But since the doctor seems to be in such high spirits, he thinks it must only be temporary.
"Hit me with the bad news first," he coughs.
The doctor shifts from one foot to the other a little uncomfortably: "Errmm, well... the bad news is, you only have 72 hours to live."
A wave of fear hits the guy. He tries to ward off his own rising panic. Then he sees the huge grin burst out again on the doctor's face.
"So, what's the good news?" he chokes.
"Did you see the really sexy receptionist when you came into the hospital?" asks the doctor.
The guy's pulse starts racing - after the last bit of news, he is really looking forward to the good news he is about to hear.
The doctor punches the air: "I'M BANGING HER!"
The priest follows St Peter into heaven. "I'll show you your quarters," says the apostle, "and then I'll give you a tour of your new home."
The priest is shown to his room, and manages to conceal his disappointment. The room is small and simple, basic even. Ashamed at his own greed the priest manages to make appropriate noises and soon follows St Peter on a guided tour of heaven.
The wonders of heaven soon make up for the spartan room, and the priest repents of his earlier disappointment. Then near the end of the tour, they come to the most fantastic fairyland castle.
"Who live there, St Peter? Is it God's house?"
"No," he laughs. A man comes out, dressed in the most fabulous clothes. "Just an ordinary sinner like us all."
The priest watches the man descend the steps of the mansion. Cherubim and Seruphim flock around him, singing hymns of praise, and the man gets into a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce and departs. Something snaps inside the priest: "look here, I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful, but I've worked for others my whole life with no thought for myself. What did he do that was so much better than me?"
"It's not what he did, it's who he is," replies St Peter. "You see we have thousands and thousands of priests up here. He's our first lawyer."
The old bull snorts and says, Im'a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'.
The second bull says, there ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows.
The young bull says, there ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em.
A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.
The old bull says, Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly.
The second bull says, Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome.
The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.
The old bull says, Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?
The young bull says, I'm just makin' sure that he knows, that I'm a bull...
With my apologies to Jerry Clower.
