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1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.
3. It’s the dog mess I find hard to swallow
4. I want some repairs to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in my back passage
6. My neighbours are too noisy and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it is now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cant get BBC2
22. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
Loverly. Brightened my day. Thanks. :-)
As you can imagine some of the letters I receive are the doings of complete cranks and nutters.
My Fav letter came in last year while working in the midlands (oddly enough)- The tenant asked could I please do something about the alien (!) that looked through his window every time he and his wife, were err at it so to speak.
Not his words. Mind you if Id have gone around there and and found a crashed space craft....
Number 6 in that lot is my all time fav.
You can spot a nutters letter before you open it, the writing is normally very small and tight - boy do I dread opening them.
