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Taking off my modesty hat for a moment: I have to admit this is, broadly speaking, true. I'm the kind of person who administers webservers using only the command line, puts together their own Linux routers out of bits of hardware which fell off other computers etc.
This means people are always asking me what's wrong with their computer, and whether I could "have a look at it". Usually accompanied by complaints about the Internet not being as fast as it used to be, or their emails being blocked by error messages from a program called "wsafrewrw.exe", etc. etc. Without exception these poor souls have some version of Windows.
Now, I should point out here, lest you get the wrong impression: I'm not an all-out Windows hater or anti-Microsoft zealot. It's just that I haven't used any kind of Windows on a regular basis since about 1999, and although I do have an installation I only use it for a few minutes a month on average (usually to check stuff with IE).
Consequently I just don't have much of an idea about what it takes to maintain and repair any recent version of Windows. I read constantly about all kinds of viruses, trojans, Service Packs, toolbars, registries, spyware and the like, but wouldn't know how to recognise one let alone remove / install / upgrade it. Even with simple stuff - e.g. whether it's possible to move Big Program X from Drive C to Drive D - I can't answer with any confidence.
Now, if I had the time and the will, there's no doubt I could, but I don't. I spend too much time with computers as it is, and the prospect of debugging someone's family Windows 98 installation (preferably while not deleting the digital photo collection, discretely overlooking the porn cache etc.) for little reward ("we thought you enjoyed working with computers") is less than attractive.
How do you deal with this kind of situation?
It's often astoundlingly difficult to convince people that I just don't know. Quite often I can get away with claiming I don't know their particular windows version; or blame it on the hardware (thank God for those little stickers saying "opening the case will invalidate your warranty"); or just claiming lack of time. The trick is doing it diplomatically.
Ironically I'm finding it easier now I'm using Macs: people recognise these as being different to "PCs" and I can use the line "now if you had a Mac I could maybe do something" - which is true, and I'd actually be happy to solve Mac-related problems (if needs be remotely, thanks to ssh). Also, Macs seem to be filtering into the mainstream user perspective, i.e. as something less prone to problems, no longer expensive, (and cool too).
A few months ago I got extremely pissed off with windows crashing on my server for the final time and went and downloaded fedora, after a month or so playing with that and loving it i put fedora on my workstation as well... now here i am 3 months later and i'm already having to make up excuses for things which i wouldn't have had any problem solving before.
Most of the stuff i can still remember it, but someone comes up with a question about their XP SP2 firewall with problem blah blah and i just give them a blank look.
I am of course also the "alpha tech" (as you put it) with everyone who knows me always asking me why their computer broke after they deleted all those files etc and it can be a pain to think up excuses. Most of the time i can think up some excuse like "yes, thats a well known problem with running that application along side that other application" or something - and of course if that fails them "i'll probably have to have a think about that and get back to you" in the hope they forget - anyone who knows me will recognise those 2 phrases if you where to ask them :)
Does it run Windows 98 on an old box? I tell them the truth, it's too old, there are too many possible ways it can be messed up, it's not worth spending any time or money on, sorry. I only violate this for my best friends, and it's a total pain every time for me, minimum 5 hours per box usually.
Windows ME? I tell them the truth, universally known as the worst windows release after the 9x series started. I will not work on it, sorry you got suckered into buying it.
Does it run Windows XP or 2000? A new checklist. Standard user with no firewall? Guaranteed filled with trojans, spyware, and viri. Time to fix, 1 to 10 hours, depending on severity of infections. How good a friend is this person? Make them use Firefox is a good start.
The next test is to look at their system tray. Is it filled with tons of apps? That will be in conflict, and create very hard to solve issues? If yes, I make some excuse and never talk to that person about computers again, avoiding the subject at all cost.
Porn cannot be ignored. If the user downloads porn, it is virtually certain that they have installed numerous serious pieces of malware. Because the person likes porn, they aren't going to stop, and I'm not going to help them with their system, not out of some moral thing, but because they have a behavior and there's no point in trying to clean up those messes since they will just happen again until they stop the behavior, which makes it a total waste of my time.
The mac excuse is a good one by the way. I don't feel like I can recommend Linux to average users yet, but I'm getting pretty close to just saying after looking closely at the box for a while: oh, I see, the problem is that you're running windows. That's been a favorite of mac users for a long time.
"Consequently I just don't have much of an idea about what it takes to maintain and repair any recent version of Windows."
By the way, I did this recently for work, I do have an idea of what it takes, and that's one of the main reasons I almost never volunteer my services to people I meet anymore, I've spent over 10 hours many times fixing these issues, it's not a fun way to spend time, and when my friends ask me if they can pay me I just laugh at them, and let them know that if I was billing them my standard rates they could have just bought a brand new box for the time I spent, which means dinner is fine.
Most deaf folks have no common sign-equivalent for words we take for granted when spoken. RAM, hard drive, driver. In the sign language common among the majority of deaf folks, words like these are almost alien words that have to be carefully explained in easy to understand sign just to explain a point.
And in most cases out of the sheer ease of maintaining the functionality of a home computer, the majority of our deaf friends use Macintosh at home.
A few I know tried to maintain a Windows machine at their homes but it was just too dog gone frustrating and very confusing.
As one deaf friend of mine for the last 20 years so eloquently put it: "Macs are easy! Windows makes you work too hard, Windows crashes and asks too many stupid questions!"
One friend who lives in a permanent care facility unfortunately cannot switch from Windows. She uses Win 98 - software's direct access to computer hardware is a necessity and her father has explained there are no newer drivers available for use under Windowns platforms with a more sophisticated HAL.
She is not only deaf but is a quadrapalegic, has Cerebral Palsy and has custom made computer user interface hardware to suit her disability and permit her to use e-mail. She hates Windows but there's nothing she can do about it.
Her computer crashes several times a day, especially if she has to use IE. But her's is such a mix of proprietary software for her disability and her various Windows problems, it's a real tarbaby nobody is properly qualified to really set right.
If her hardware were available with Mac drivers I could help her.
When I lived in the north, I observed many small businesses prefer using Macs for the same reasons, and that competent technical help often means a very lengthy drive over sometimes uncertain driving conditions to a city. So being able to understand and fix any problems that do come up yourself is really a HUGE bonus!
Let's face it - for a comprehensive user-friendly solution Macs still rock!
How do you deal with this kind of situation?
I'm pretty well Mac/PC versed, but I claim ignorance. "I'm a WEB guy, not a COMPUTER guy." They usually see right through it, but they get the point.
My wife is nowhere near as gentle. "Are you going to pay him? He gets XXX.00 for his time, so are you willing to have him come over there for two hours and screw around with your computer so your son can play a stupid internet game? No? Didn't think so."
And that's to her FRIENDS. :-)
None of this would bother me, I'm more than willing to help anyone. But what really gets to be the bugger is that's the only time you hear from them. So let them view blue screen. :-D
The real problem, by far the most serious, is that once you work on someone's computer, they tend to consider that also means that they are now entitles to free computer support for next few years.
That's one of the main things that made me severely curtail the amount of help I would offer people, especially help for money.
"I'm a WEB guy, not a COMPUTER guy."
I tried this route and now everyone I know wants their own website and they've decided that I make truckloads of money from mine (not exactly true) so they expect they will make truckloads of money from theirs.
I've got to order some gas station uniform shirts to wear around my friends. "Yeah, I got fired -- now I work at a gas station."
I cannot walk into the pub without a "...oh, I was hoping to catch you... I keep getting this error... blah blah!"
Because I'm such a nice, helpful person, more often than not I go along to their house to help them, and invariably the 15 minute job will turn out to be a 3 hour job, for which they will buy me a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer. Am I a mug, or what?!
