Forum Moderators: open
My ones got removed so I'm out.
:-( :-¦ :-)
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"
"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift — an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."
Nothing more queer than real life.
Dad: What do you think of that one?
Mum: I don't like it, it's an estate.
Dad: How can you tell? Looks fine to me.
Answer: slash slash backslash escape
He explains " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, " your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:
.
.
.
Good God, I'm pregnant. How'd that happen?
.
.
.
.
.
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a twenty four hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."
.
.
.
.
.
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go!
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-Retentives."
Still not good enough.
How about, "Minds and Behinds."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried, "Inner Souls and Outer Holes."
Still no go.
Nor did; "Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", or
"Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
"APPROVED!"
Link to Rimshot :D [ilovewavs.com] Hope these are clean enough...
The Panda replies, "I'll have your special."
The waitress smiling walks away, releived, and starts the order.
A few minutes later, the Panda gets his order, and slurps it down in one gulp. He then stands up, pulls a berretta 9mm from his pouch and shoots the waitress. He is walking out the door when the manager is screaming "Hey, HEY! What are you doing!"
The Panda turns and calmly says, "Hey, I'm a Panda.. look it up, moron."
Frantically the manager dails 911 and gets his employee to the hospital. While he's waiting the nusrse comes out and says "It's not that serious, it missed everything vital and shes not bleeding that bad, shes lucky."
Now, Mr. Manager, able to think now that his is sure about the life of his employee, thinks about the events as they happened. One thing kept ringing in his head...
"Hey, I'm a Panda.. look it up, moron."
So, in a fit of anger, the Manager say fine, we'll see ... "look it up moron" He mocks the Panda..
Looking through the dictionary... "P, p , p, Pack, Pancrease, PANDA!"
Panda: A black and white bear-like animal indiginous to the asian continent noted most by it's mask-like markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
-- Zak
