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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close; they ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Thank you sir.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
-unfortunately, i have a text file full of these.
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
I used to be king of the ad libs until my ad lib writer quit.
I used to be king of the ad libs until my ad lib writer quit.
Given your current performance he probably has a good case for wrongful dismissal.
;-)
TJ
And another than ends with, "I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco."
Calmly, Mr. Wabbit said, Oh, I'm just westing.
After telling that joke in a tent one night on a camping trip, I was hit in the head by a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies :)
Kermit Jagger, the frog goes into a bank for a $10,000 loan. The clerk, Patricia Whack, asks, "what security you got?". Frog has none. She says, "No can do". So he produces a keyring type object. Says, "keep this as security". She refuses. He says, "talk to your manager, he'll sanction it". So she takes keyring object to manager, explains the situation, and asks what the heck the object is....
Manager say:
It's a knick knack Patty Whack,
Give the frog a loan.
His old man is a rolling stone.
[edited by: dmorison at 2:25 pm (utc) on Aug. 29, 2004]
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and go out with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when
Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.
Oops, not a pun.
And another than ends with, "I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco."
Roy the Crayfish was taken early from this life.. undersize you might say.. and ascended to heaven.
After many years of exemplary angelic endeavour, Roy was a favorite in heaven. His halo sparkled, his wings sleek, and his harp playing was divine. One day St Peter approached Roy with a message from God. "Roy, you've been such a wonderful angel to have here in heaven.. and God regrets that you didnt' get the chance to experience much of life on earth, dieing so young and all. So God would like to give you 24 hours on earth to enjoy yourself. perhaps see a bit of what you missed."
Roy was a bit shellshocked at first.. but then thought 'well, I have missed my old school friend Sam terribly.. I always wondered what he did with his life. I should like to visit him one time."
And *POOF* Roy found himself once again a corporeal crustacean under the sea.
He marvelled at what the world had become, and as he stared around in wonder he heard a voice from behind him. "Roy! Is that you?!" And there was his old school friend, Sam, calling from the door of a nightclub.
Well, the two old friends caught up over a few drinks. Sam had indeed grown up, and owned the nightclub. The two continued in their reminiscences, drinking more and more through the night. Roy had never experienced alcohol before, and became thoroughly inebriated. He laughed loudly, he weaved when he walked, his wings got fluffed and his halo slid to a rakish angle.... he even jumped up on stage with the band and blew the joint away with a rockin harp jam.
Morning approached, the old friends embraced and slurred their farewells... and *POOF* Roy ascended to heaven again.
St Peter was stunned when he saw the smiling swaying Cray. "Roy! What happened? Did you get mugged? Your halo is askew and your wings are dirty! And where is your harp? You know no angel can enter heaven without wings, halo and harp."
Roy realised he could not reenter heaven. Neither could he return to earth. "Oh no" he wept, "I left my harp in Sam Crab's Disco".
The scientist watched with pride as his clone grew from a baby, to a boy, to a young man... but there was just one point of dischord. The clone had a foul mouth. And it just got fouler as he got older. The clone, though every bit as intelligent as the scientist, couldn't get through a simple sentence without throwing in a string of blue words.
The scientist finally had to declare his experiment a failure. The clone had become so objectionable that he was not welcome in society... and the scientist was faced with the question of how best to 'end' the experiment.
Unable to look the clone in the eye, or handle it any other way, the scientist decided to take the clone to a lookout point on a mountain, and push him off the edge. And so he did.
But... a moment later a policeman took the scientist by the arm and told him he was being arrested. The scientist sighed.. heartbroken.. and said "I suppose it was murder"
"No sir" said the officer. "You are being arrested for making an obscene clone fall".
