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The above is essentially a js document.write at its core.
How about injecting the document w/ SSI?
I split their code up into separate js functions and took it to external files. It seems to work fine -- of course not for the 10% who don't run js, but these sites have lots of other js and css anyway.
However, I realize that I may be hitting other limitations and just not realize it. Would appreciate your view.
The only problems have to do with the fact the category I chose is a bit broader than I'd like, and the lack of information on some of the headlines. (There are at least 3 racers with the last name Schumacher and the headlines don't give you a clue what form of motor sports the headline is about)
But the best way to fetch news is to write/find a PHP/Perl/ASP/Python/etc.. to grab and process the file then include the script with SSI on your page.