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I started a great 7-5 here with a great company that has the best benefits in the country. <snip>
However, we do have a child together, and that does complicate things quite a bit. I have been wanting to work things out, but she still doesn't want to talk at all.
There are more specifics that I'm not going to go into, but you still get the gist.
If there is anyone out there that has any advice, please give it.
[edited by: lawman at 2:25 am (utc) on Aug. 7, 2005]
You cannot force people to change or become what you need or want.
You cannot force your significant other to feel a certain way.
You have to accept what comes as truth and deal with it in as mature manner as possible.
And whatever happens.....happens! It isn't always pretty. It's often ugly. But that's real life.
Have you tried this strategy: Let her "win"?
I mean, give up your right to being right?
Make her right.
Try it, like an intelliegent experiment.
To me, much of the stuff that we think matters in this life doesn't hold a candle to this simple truth: At the end of it all what matters most is not the thrills, adventures, successes, achievements or the like. What matters, so say I, is whether we lived the life of a decent human being.
This will be a sufficient epitath for me: He was a decent human being.
The older I get the more every other view of "how to live a life" seems a bit misguided.
Sometimes, though, when it's over for someone, it's over. And if she doesn't want to talk about working it out - it might just be over for her. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do in that case.
Good luck and I'm sorry if it doesn't work out for you the way you'd like it to.
A good idea in theory but in reality it's quite unpredictable.
Be patient, she may just need time to see what her true issues and needs are.
It's no crime.
she still doesn't want to talk at all
If so, it's your turn to make a decision.
Ask yourself what's more important? You may have to accept reality and reality may be that having both (all?) is just never going to happen no matter how long you wait for the other person to change (cough, cough).
What's more important TO YOU and are you prepared to live with the consequences of your decision?
(There's no point in waiting for a person to change if all that means is you will lead them into a place where they will become even more miseable.)
Get the law involved with child visiting etc and go get a women who actually wants you
It's still just visiting though, remember that. Custody sucks, no matter how you look at it so think real hard about going that route. If you think parenting is hard now, custody complicates it like you would not believe.
And as far as finding a woman who actually wants you... well, just remember, where ever you go, there you are. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is happy and then not happy and when you get to be 80 years old you realize that there was a reason you waited out the unhappy parts with this person.
The best advice I could give..... go talk to a lawyer, ASAP. You have to protect your rights. I live in Canada, do not know were you are, but the courts always favour the mother.
You are about to spend a huge wad of cash my friend, but you need professional legal help to protect your rights as a parent. Do not delay.
Sorry to tell you this, I am sure others are telling you the same thing, but don't fool around with the future of your child.
but the courts always favour the mother
No, the courts always favour the child - which in turn favours the mother. Perhaps subtle but absoutely vital distinction. So before signing over your life-savings to a lawyer (sorry lawman!), perhaps you should do the same?
For the sake of your child, you and your fiancée both need to either find the compromise which works for all the family, or you need to part on amicable enough terms to limit as much as possible the nevertheless enormous shock your child will go through if you split up. She needs to agree to discuss the matter seriously, and you need to look at how your "7-5" (ie. family-wrecking live-on-the-job job) and your material benefits weigh up against your family responsibility. Otherwise you're going to end up old, rich, and alone.
No courts, no lawyers, no excuses. I provided support when my daughter was away, support was provided when she lived with me. The ex went on to become an attorney and I followed my dream to become a hippy, while our daughter must, by now, be quite confused.
It gets better.
If it is a mutually agreed upon divorce then there may not have to be any court time.
And the care of any children would fall to whoever is more competent.
In my relationship that would fall upon me since my wife has developed (or inherited from her mother perhaps) severe psychiatric, emotional and intelligence issues which have proven to be inappropriate towards child rearing.
The job is great, even tho I am gone for at least 12 hours of the day. When I was working from home, trying to scrape the bottom of the ocean for contracts, there were problems with me working 8-10 hours a day on either a contract or building up a website, and being home all the time. It just seems to me that no matter what I do, I just can't make her happy.
Don't get me wrong, I still do love her, even more than when I first discovered that I did love her, but this is killing me. I can't continue going to work with this bearing down on me head.
Maybe it's time for a break from each other, and to see where we both stand. How does that sound?
I still do love her
Then you owe it to both of you to make some really tough decisions. Which do you love more, your fiancee and kid or your job? And while it may seem like a duh one on the surface, I do understand that it is a hard one.
I once threated to leave my husband (then boyfriend) if he did not quit his 60-70 hour a week job. I wasn't going to spend the next few dacades married to a man I never saw. That may have something to do with the fact that I had a father who did it to my mother.
There is an old addage that says, No one's headstone reads "I wish I had worked more". If the job is that important to you, then maybe your fiancee would respond to a promise. You can keep the job for a year and then after that year you go find a normal job. That might work, but if you don't keep that promise, there will be no turning back.
You don't need time apart, you need some serious time together, alone and far away from everything you both know. If I were you, I'd tell your boss there is an emergency at home (no need to explain, just say emergency), book a cabin with a hottub in the middle of nowhere (or a similar situation - Hocking Hills here in Ohio has some great places like that) take your child to grandma's and put your fiancee in the car and go.
Expect that there will be lots of screaming from both sides but it's okay because no one will be close enough to hear you. :) Screaming is a good start because it gives everyone the opportunity to get it out in the open. And then when you are too tired to scream you then move to just sitting and talking. If she just won't talk, then you just talk. Explain your side. Trust me, if she is like 90% of women, she will talk eventually. But don't give up. The best relationships really are the ones where people don't give up.
Oh, yeah, also make sure that you tell her you love her and you don't want to loes her. Say it plain and straight so there is no misunderstanding the message.
