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Here's the directory category for finding online resources:
[directory.google.com...]
What you need most is a "pair of ears" willing to just listen, so turn to whatever friends or family you have. And if there's any local house of worship you're comfortable with, there are generally some very caring people, whichever type it is.
A way to find local resources and support groups is to call a social worker at a local hospital. They can generally point you to groups in the local area. It's good not to isolate, you're doing the right thing by reaching out.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Unrelated, but still interesting is the question when one becomes a mortal? Mortal meaning that you get aware of your own timeline and start buying life insurances and planning your retirement and stuff.. I saw a TV show the other day where it was argued that mortality gets a meaning somewhere between the ages of 40 and 50.
Being a part of the present is always a cause for celebration! Cheers to that! And cheers to all around for making the present time a good time!
When I am with other family members all I just want to be alone. When I am alone I just want to be with other family members. It is like there is a poison in my blood, sometimes I just want to cry alone, sometimes I just want to cry with others, sometimes I am so angry - I feel like I could kill a unicorn or every singel dolphin in the world if it could bring things back to normal. It is very, very hard to work. If I hadn't been running my own business I get I would be able to take out some vacation or something. If I had been living in the states I could just have sued somebody for something, but it is not an option that is open to me. My wife has been in Russia for business and I didn't manage to get in touch with her until about 10 hours ago, she is returning home. I truly hate to feel as weak as I do right now. I wish I could do more to help, but I feel stunned. I guess I should use start something truly right with my life. Maybe I should stop smoking, stop working for the adult industry, give money to charity, maybe I shold start spending more time with people I love?
I guess this is a really stupid post, but then again I had to do it. I am so sorry.
>>start spending more time with people I love?
Always a good idea, but during a time of grieving sometimes that idea is motivated by unrecognized guilt feelings - usually not valid, but a normal part of the process.
A few of the things and different feelings mentioned in writings about the grief process and the phases, not necessarily in order:
Feeling of unreality
Denial
Shock & disbelief
Anger
Guilt
Depression & withdrawal
"Looking for the lost object"
Reaching out to others, alternated with pulling back
Gradual acceptance of and reconciliation with the reality
Beginning of rebuilding and recovery
Final acceptance, moving on and looking forward
When I lost my mother years ago after many years of serious touch and go illness and surgeries, I found the biggest key to understanding what was happening and what I was going through in a book I'd bought the previous summer called "Living with Stress" by Dr. Lloyd Ahlem.
The book wasn't about grief as such, but delves into how we respond in dramatic life change or stressful situations of all kinds and fit the bill perfectly. Probably out of print by now, but I've still got the ragged copy and no doubt there are other good books out there now.
It doesn't change the emotional process, but mentally understanding is a big help with retaining stability and balance, as is deliberately making an effort to stay in touch with other people in spite of wanting to isolate, especially the ones you can freely talk to about your feelings.
All of what you're experiencing is a normal part of the whole process. And never be sorry about reaching out, there are always some people willing to reach back.
especially the ones you can freely talk to about your feelingsThere is the key.
Most people will nod politely and respect your situation, and then get the hell away from you as quickly as possible. They want to help, don't how to help, fear saying the wrong thing, and feel very uncomfortable.
This is a wound, a trauma, often more significant than a physical wound. Healing takes time and is just as natural as physical healing. You WILL heal. Allow yourself time.
Here is another key. Or perhaps this is really the same key that Dave talks about.
I believe that it will eventually to a very large degree be love that brings you through the crisis. Other people's love for you and your own ability to love other people. By writing that sentence in such a natural way you have clearly shown that you have that ability.
I am one of those lucky people who have always had a harmonic and peacefull attitude to death. Death in some form or other has been an integral part of my life as long as I remember. Sometimes when death has fetched someone near me it has caused me sorrow but never the pain that you're suffering from.
The greatest sorrow of my own life was when the mother of my oldest son decided that I was unworthy of being his father. I don't know if anything but my own death will ever be able to completely cure the pain. But I know that when that sorrow hit me the most beautiful experiences of my life were still waiting for me. I also know that what was broken in me SHOULD be broken.
Of course I cannot promise you that the same will be true for you. But the possibility is there. Sometimes an apparent disaster may in reality be an opening to a richer and more healthy life.
You are in my thoughts.
Over 20 years ago my family experienced the loss through suicide of our youngest brother.
It was extremely difficult and few things other than time really made much of a difference in our dealing with the sadness and loss.
We all became closer, and we all looked more deeply into ourselves as a direct result.
One thing that stood up above all others was The Compassionate Friends. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ This is a worldwide organization and really worth checking out.
There are tons of books on bereavement, like anything, some are better than others, and it really depends on where you are, (emotionally) what kind of approaches best work for you, etc. Some prefer writings from one or another religious background, others prefer non-denominational. Go to Amazon or your favorite chushy chair bookstore and be prepared to spend some time - and it may be too soon.
You'll know when you are ready.
Also, in general terms, what you need is compassionate people in your life - and I learned this is a very rare thing indeed.
Make time with people that matter. Do anything with them that helps, ideally that doesn't involve destructive behavior.
If they don't understand, try to find someone who does. Therapists can be good - but sometimes finding the right one can be a real struggle.
I personally benefited from knowing & working with others who had experienced a similar loss in their lives.
They "knew" and I didn't have to explain anything to them. This kind of "filtering" might make a difference to you.
Good luck, cherish and stay close to your loved ones and keep talking and listening as best you can!
How you feel will change.
[edited by: lawman at 6:43 pm (utc) on Dec. 2, 2003]
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No computers can help here.
Go, hold on tight to your loved ones. Grieve with them.
Never let a day go by where you don't tell them how much they mean to you. Share your feelings with them, and they with you.
peace
