Forum Moderators: open
She goes out and returns 10 minutes later:
She: Do you think this is better?
I look. No discernable difference in the ensemble
Me: Huh
She: Do you think the purple is better?
Me: Huh?
She: Do you prefer the purple blouse or the black one
Me: That's a trick question
She: No, I really want to know
Me: The black one
She: So, you're saying the purple one is ugly?
No response from me, I'm not that stupid
She: What's wrong with the purple one?
Me: You're trying to trick me.
She: No, I really want to know, why don't you like the purple one?
silence
She: So you're saying I look ugly in the purple one.
silence
She: I think I'll wear the purple one.
silence
She: Definitely the purple one.
About 10 minutes later
She: Maybe the black one is better. I think I'll wear the black one. What do you think?
[edited by: ShawnR at 1:56 pm (utc) on Sep. 5, 2003]
OR suggest a third (obviously awful) combo which then casts me back into the comfortable role of fashion/style dimwit where i'm not expected to pass sensible comment.
OR the grossly exaggerated flattery angle -
"OMG who is this sex goddess standing before me!" (said for any outfit or combo and therby avoiding the actual comparison question)
or finish failsafe:
me: run tongue around lips, in provocative manner - "wow you are so damned hot in that, i can't concentrate, lets not go out and just go straight to bed!"
she: "stop it!" (but pleased really) "you're no good, i'm just going to have to get dressed without your help"
How do youhandle them?
By running very far away. :)
How do youhandle them?
Pretending I'm asleep......close your eyes and start snoring really loud....even if you're standing up. It gets the point across that you want nothing to do with the conversation.
them: "may I ask who is calling?"
me: "yes you may"
:-)
How do you handle them?
Ooh. That's a nightmare. Have you ever worn an outfit she made fun of? Or do you have a favorite shirt she hates? After Round 1, you could bow out and say, "Can't see why you'd ask me what looks best in the first place... I'm the one who thinks [insert hated clothing item here] looks good on me."
Failing that, start snoring while standing up. That sounds utterly hopeless.
If I ask him what he thinks, it means one of two things:
1) I'm not confident of my own fashion sense.
2) I'm feeling unattractive and want some complimentary feedback.
I understand how this could cause stress-- to be mistaken as to which of the above two I'm caught up in could be disastrous. So, I generally explain my situation.
"I'm feeling fat today. Does this make me look fat?" Is NOT a trick question. There are two possible answers:
1) "Honey, those jeans just don't do you justice. They just don't fit you right." Fine. Honest. Helpful.
2) "No, you look fine." Sweet. Kind. Helpful.
"I don't know if this outfit would work for the thing tomorrow. What do you think?"
Not a trick question either. Possible answers:
1) "Mmm. Nice boobs. Might not be good for Easter Mass, though."
2) "Hm. I like it but I don't think my mom will."
3) "I think you look fine but I don't know about these things."
4) "I like purple better than black. It looks nice with your hair."
If my reply gets snippy, then obviously you misinterpreted the cues. This is not cause for panic. Simply ask what I mean. "I just said I liked the purple better. Nothing against the black. I'm no aesthetician, so my motives aren't transparent. I'm not sure why I prefer the purple. Perhaps I just like purple. You look fabulous in both of them."
It's just frustrating, as a woman, when you're required to look good for something, aren't confident of your own fashion sense, and ask the person with whom you are accustomed to making decisions for input, and they refuse to answer and behave irrationally and oddly, or insensitively. Come on. It's just a question. Just pay attention to me for a second, don't insult me, and tell me what you freaking think. Obviously you don't think I'm an ugly old cow (if you do, why are you so eager to sleep with me?), so TELL ME SO. "You're not an ugly old cow, dear, and your insecurities are unfounded. Relax, and blue suits you better than red." (Please, don't quote me. If you can phrase that better you're far more likely to succeed.)
It's not a TRICK QUESTION, it's simply a question with issues riding on it that you should be aware of. Exercise a little sensitivity and you'll probably be all right.
If you're not, you're dating the wrong woman.
Guys: If she asks, then say: "You want the truth?"
If she says yes, let her have it.
Hurray to all the men contained in the cloud of dust running away!
It's not a TRICK QUESTION
Since when? *wink*
Do you think the purple is better?
stand up and walk toward her saying
"you look fantastic in both, personally I just love purple."
by this time you should be close enough to just give her a reassuring kiss. after all if you pick black as the colour she will want to change her top wasting even more time.
DaveN
and they refuse to answer and behave irrationally and oddly, or insensitively.
Gotta disagree with you there... I think she's acting irrationally on this one. "You look nice in black" does not mean, "I think you look fat, ugly and horrible in purple."
If you are just looking for reassurance, come out in the outfit you want to wear, and ask, "Does this look good to you?" When he says yes, just accept the d@mn compliment, give him a hug and kiss, and say, "Thank you dear, I wasn't sure!"
If you really have doubts about the outfit, come out and say, "Do you think this blouse might be the wrong shape for this skirt?" If he says, "No, I think it looks fine," say thank you, and leave the poor man alone. If he says, "Well, I think the black blouse would go better," say thank you, and change shirts. I he says, "I really have no idea honey," go make up your own mind. Remind yourself you're the one dressing him half the time, so are you really sure his advice is warranted here?
If you are not prepared to take his advice on the matter, do not ask him in the first place... he will get confused and frightened under further questioning. As soon as the words, "Are you saying [insert uncomplimentary phrase here]," comes out of the woman's mouth, it is entirely too late.
Unless you are DaveN, in which case you know exactly what to do. ;)
For me, this works. If she finds it amusing, this takes her mind off what she's wearing and trusts my "you look great in everything". If she gets pissed off, that still takes her mind off the clothes, and we can go where we need to go.
That only works 25% of the time.
'If a man is alone in the woods and he speaks, and
there is no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?'
2odd...
(Yes Dear, sorry Dear, I'm coming. Was just posting a message on WW...)
I can't count on any degree of sensitivity in his response.
Most guys think if you ask a question, you are looking for an answer, not reassurance. Hence a guy might respond to, "Does this make me look fat?" with, "Kind of, but only from the rear." Of course, he'll only do that once... ;)
Similarly, women sometimes describe a problem they are having. Guys, particularly engineers, will pose solutions (like, "Well, just don't talk to her again...") rather than offering the expected sympathy. We are problem solvers more than sympathizers... :)
That's easy.
"I like both of them, but the purple blouse really brings out the color in your eyes".
"Do you think I look okay?" means "say yes I'm feeling insecure." Not too hard. Be nice.
"Is this skirt too short" means "is my butt showing, please tell me this is important." Be honest.
"Is this shirt too low-cut" is most definitely a cue. If it is, do admire my boobs, and possibly advise me against wearing it to dinner with your parents. If it is not, answer honestly. So, this could go either way but there will be other cues.
"do these pants fit right?" really really actually means, "do these flatter me, or should I change into ones that do?" -- it does NOT mean "am I fat?" So, be honest.
"am I fat?" means "tell me I'm not ugly". I'm unambiguous about this. This means, be nice.
Etc., etc., etc.
Women who ask deliberately misleading and general questions forfeit their right to be righteously indignant. They don't deserve abuse necessarily, but you're not entirely incorrect to abuse them. However, you can't leave it up to her entirely to experiment until she can make herself understood. You go a long way toward improving your standing if you try to meet her halfway and figure out what the heck she's talking about.
It's definitely true; men and women communicate differently. Simply acknowledging that, without implying that either one is wrong, and taking those differences into account during reasonable discourse, will get you far towards not getting frying pans thrown at you.
If your woman's not interested in reasonable discourse, again, I gotta go with my theory that she's probably not worth the hassle.
How about taking a good look at the purple one, and a good look at the black and honestly answer the lady's question?
Right about the time you have to point out that you've changed blouses in the first place:
She: Do you think this is better?
I look. No discernable difference in the ensemble
Me: Huh
She: Do you think the purple is better?
Me: Huh?
She: Do you prefer the purple blouse or the black one
...seems like that's a hint that the guy just doesn't care either way! That's about as honest as it gets.
Now, "Sorry honey, it doesn't make a difference to me, they both look fine. Whichever you prefer is great," would probably be a better answer than, "That's a trick question," but a moment after that he DOES honestly answer:
She: No, I really want to know
Me: The black one
She: So, you're saying the purple one is ugly?
...at which point, I must reassert my earlier point that: As soon as the words, "Are you saying [insert uncomplimentary phrase here]," comes out of the woman's mouth, it is entirely too late.
She got not her honest answer (I prefer the black one), and then turned it into some kind of bizarre, "You think I look ugly," issue. That, in my book, makes it an utterly hopeless situation.
Most guys think if you ask a question, you are looking for an answer, not reassurance.
Exactly why I don't ask. :)
To be truthful, if I did ask him this more often, his response would likely be along the lines of ogling and then dragging me into the bedroom - which is an okay response, but doesn't necessarily tell me whether the outfit itself actually looks good, nor whether it is appropriate to wear out in public.
along the lines of ogling and then dragging me into the bedroom
Hmm, my husband resembles that remark... ;) and while that is reassuring, flattering and fun, it doesn't always answer the question at hand, now does it?
Hmm, is it me, or does this thread seem to be going the way of the stockings [webmasterworld.com]?
LisaB
I started reading it a couple of years ago and ended up with some points engraved in my mind forever:
Tips for men:
Women need reassurance and when they speak to us (men) about a problem they don't want an answer just an ear to listen to them.
If they talk about a problem at work NEVER say 'if you're not happy quit and find another one', say, 'yes I notice that you work really hard lately, they must have also notice, dear ...'
Tips for women:
Us, men, when we talk about a problem we are looking for a solution, advices not compassion, it was hard enough talking to you about it without having you being sorry for us!
When we decide that we need to be left alone - let us alone (I think it was called going to the men's cavern) the more you try to make us talk about what's bothering us, the longer we will take to come back from this cavern
Well I read half of it, and my answer to those tricky questions are no better, but it made really nice bithday or christmas gifts for some of my frieds.
BTW I simply tell her, look how I dress (jogging pant and T-shirts) so you really want to trust my taste?
Leo
"Is this skirt too short" means "is my butt showing, please tell me this is important." Be honest.
I agree this is important :-)
