In these Covid-19 vacation days we need a bit of humor to see it through...
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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."
Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never seen seen one of his paintings.
The three hardest things to say:
1. I was wrong.
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire Sauce.
Went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
This 'killing them with kindness' is taking way longer than I expected.
ME: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can't see you anymore! I won't let you hurt me like that again!
TRAINER: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
I asked my grandpa ... "After 65 years you still call grandma 'honey and sweetheart and dear'. What's the secret?" He said: "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm afraid to ask her."
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway's ... and that's how the fight started.
