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Not Friday Funnies

Keep it to quips, Two sentences or less!

     
2:37 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
2:57 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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Firearm humor:

A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.
4:29 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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Fudge allowed, after all , the hoary joke deserves to be resurrected!
4:41 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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Looking for the one (or two sentence) liners. Another example:

My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

or

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Go for it, kiddies!
6:01 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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I take my wife with me everywhere I go, but she keeps finding her way home.
7:11 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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Back in the office after an overseas business trip, a guy tells his colleague, "I got this snow globe for my wife." His colleague replies, "Sounds like a good trade."

The original version involved an exchange between a politician and Secret Service, but trying to keep it short and apolitical...
10:09 pm on Dec 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
2:53 am on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
2:54 am on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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They say that many people die because of alcohol Ö perhaps they donít realise how many of them are born because of it.
2:56 am on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend who was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
2:59 pm on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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There are 2-kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
7:46 pm on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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There are two types of people in the word, those without A.D.D. and those -- Hey, look, a firetruck!
10:16 pm on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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squirrel..
10:16 pm on Dec 13, 2015 (gmt 0)

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I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
1:25 am on Dec 14, 2015 (gmt 0)

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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
 

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