3zero reminded me.... just took this long to find the file of Steven Wright... (note, turns out the file is too large, so edited)
SOME AMUSING STEVE WRIGHT SAYINGS (and look-alikes)
From various sources, some from memory, grouped in a semi-random
way. I excluded just a few that I thought weren't very funny.
These are likely to have been modified in translation...
Last updated: 911115
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--- appliances ---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
--- telephones ---
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said,
"Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said,
"How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my
calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I
said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."
--- apartments ---
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When
I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
--- houses ---
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... so I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
--- cars and driving ---
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (slow glance upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got
dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you
can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came
back the entire area was missing.
--- sleeping ---
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
--- socks ---
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
--- records ---
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
--- fishing ---
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
--- dogs ---
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
--- chemistry ---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live
on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--- childhood ---
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
--- not-all-there ---
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
--- suicide ---
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
--- books ---
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
--- miscellaneous one-liners ---
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper... (said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
"So, do you live around here often?"
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--- miscellaneous ---
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did
it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the
only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
