Another Joke Thread

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

It's a long time since we did this so let's have a few jokes.

I just got a new 60" Sony smart television for £50. It's fine but the volume control isn't working. I just couldn't turn it down.

[LifeinAsia]

Today on the CNN site, 2 headlines were juxtaposed: "U.S. air superiority threatened?" and "Harrison Ford crashes plane" (true story).

So Han Solo was really the U.S.' only hope?

[edited by: LifeinAsia at 5:31 pm (utc) on Mar 6, 2015]

[engine]

Police arrested two children yesterday, one of them was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Marshall]

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said "Hey! Why the long face?"

[rocker]

A neutron walks into a bar and asked the bartender how much does a pint of beer cost. He replied, for you, no charge.

[tbear]

There are 3 stages of amorous activity in the life of a marriage.
Tri weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly.....

[grandpa]

Two rednecks were in the woods a-huntin' when they came into a clearing with a hole in the ground. First one says "Lookit that, cain't even see the bottom." Second one says "I wonder how far it goes." First one says "Let's chunk something down there and see if we can hear it hit bottom." They look around and see an old transmission over by the bushes, go pick it up, and 1-2-3 heave it into the hole. Directly they hear a rustling noise coming from the bushes and turn around just in time to see a goat come a charging out of the bush and running right at them. Next thing they see the goat jumps into the hole.

While they ponder the situation a farmer comes along and asks "You boys seen my goat around here?"

First one says "Funny you should ask. We just seen a goat come a charging out of them bushes and jump head first into this hole." The farmer thinks a minute, spits, and says "Couldn't have been my goat. I had my goat tied to a transmission."

<disclaimer: No offense intended to rednecks, farmers, or goats.>

[LifeinAsia]

<disclaimer: No offense intended to rednecks, farmers, or goats.>

What about transmissions?

[diddlydazz]

I recently moved into an idyllic windmill to cut back on living expenses.

Although cheaper, It is a bit small and golf balls keep coming through the front door!

[Leosghost]

Do you have any signs of a mouse on the stair(s) ?

[diddlydazz]

i was wondering what that scurrying noise was, i thought it was the tax man :o)

[diddlydazz]

i had someone knock on the door the other day asking if i had thought about changing energy suppliers.

i told them i would stick to food, photosynthesis seems like too much hard work.

[tbear]

I'm starting to think this is just another joke thread.....

[lawman]

Isn't a joke thread supposed to be funny?

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

That was my intention Lawman. ;)

[incrediBILL]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was being delivered in a bucket...

---

Two Englishmen sat in a parlor reading the paper and one lowers it saying "I see they're burying your wife today." the other gent lowers his paper and says "Yes, she's dead you know"

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Cinderella finally got her dream job and a PhotoMat because she knew one day her prints would come

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How do you keep a WebmasterWorld member busy?
Click this link for the answer: [webmasterworld.com...]

[Old_Honky]

on the basis that the older jokes are not discriminated against...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says,
"Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the
bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager & disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone".

[incrediBILL]

Oh boo.

True life, I worked with a Peggy Walker that was from Poland and her grandfather Peter changed the family name after moving to the US. It was originally Wacker and he couldn't tolerate how much it amused everyone that he was a Peter Wacker so he changed it to Walker.

Now for some fictional endangered birds:

The MugWump: this bird sits on a fence with his mug on one side and his wump on the other.

The Milermore: this bird flies high into the upper atmosphere, then dives nose down and the air whistles in his nose and out his backside and you can hear it for a mile or more.

Chicken Little got a job in an office building and in a sudden panic ran thru the office yelling "the ceiling tiles are falling! the ceiling tiles are falling!"

OK, that last one I just made up because I'm a groan man.

Reminds me of the time I submitted ten puns to a pun contest and none of them won, no pun in ten did.

Yeah, I can do this all day.

[LifeinAsia]

Patti Whack

Hadn't heard that one for a long time, but this is the first time I heard it with the "His old man's a Rolling Stone" addition.

Patti definitely had a lot of strange clients during her time at the bank. A few days later a snail came in asking for an auto loan for $50,000. She thought that excessive for a car for a snail, so she asked him about it. He replied with a bunch of technical details about top speed, gear ratios, horsepower, and torque. But what peaked her interest was what the snail considered the most important detail- a giant "S" painted on the hood, doors, and roof. When she asked why it was so important, he replied, "So when people see me drive by, they can yell, 'Look at that S car go!'"

[tbear]

Hmmmm, OK, how about some musical definitions......

Augmented fifth - A 36 ounce bottle of JD
Diminished fifth - A half empty bottle of JD
Bar line - A queue of people, normally including a musician or two..
Discord - Not to be confused with datcord

....and now some from C/W musicians.....
12 tone scale - The thing State Police use to weigh your trailer truck
A 440 - Highway, that runs around Nashville
Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn, where you keep the horses
Clef - What you try to not fall off of
Bass clef - Place you and up at, if you do fall
Perfect pitch - The smooth coating on a fresh paved road
Treble - Women ain't nothin' but....

[lawman]

@LifeinAsia:

I wasn't going to look at the beautiful mountain, but the peak, piqued a peek

[Old_Honky]

Two elderly ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking. It started to rain, so the lady reached into her handbag, took out a condom, cut off the tip, slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "I say that's a good idea! Like a little raincoat. What is that thing you put over your cigarette?". The other lady said," It's called a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase condoms at any pharmacy.

When the bus arrived in the town centre, the old lady who had asked the questions went into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but he looked a little surprised that this elderly woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

[diddlydazz]

Isn't a joke thread supposed to be funny?

That was my intention Lawman. ;)

i will refrain from posting anymore ;o)

[grandpa]

Teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class, and read up to the part where Chicken Little started saying "the sky is falling". She asked "Does anyone know what the farmer said when he heard that?"

Little girl raised her hand and the teacher says, "Yes Suzie, what did the farmer say?"

"He said, Holy Schist, a talking chicken!"