Welcome to WebmasterWorld Guest from 100.24.209.47

Forum Moderators: open

Message Too Old, No Replies

Another Joke Thread

     
4:29 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member

WebmasterWorld Senior Member beedeedubbleu is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 3, 2004
posts: 6140
votes: 24


It's a long time since we did this so let's have a few jokes.

I just got a new 60" Sony smart television for 50. It's fine but the volume control isn't working. I just couldn't turn it down.
4:41 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Moderator from US 

WebmasterWorld Administrator lifeinasia is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Dec 10, 2005
posts:5844
votes: 190


Today on the CNN site, 2 headlines were juxtaposed: "U.S. air superiority threatened?" and "Harrison Ford crashes plane" (true story).

So Han Solo was really the U.S.' only hope?

[edited by: LifeinAsia at 5:31 pm (utc) on Mar 6, 2015]

5:24 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Administrator from GB 

WebmasterWorld Administrator engine is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:May 9, 2000
posts:26247
votes: 999


Police arrested two children yesterday, one of them was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
5:49 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from US 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Sept 4, 2001
posts:2294
votes: 95


A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said "Hey! Why the long face?"
6:08 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Preferred Member

10+ Year Member

joined:June 14, 2006
posts:393
votes: 0


A neutron walks into a bar and asked the bartender how much does a pint of beer cost. He replied, for you, no charge.
6:57 pm on Mar 6, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 10, 2002
posts:937
votes: 4


There are 3 stages of amorous activity in the life of a marriage.
Tri weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly.....
9:45 am on Mar 9, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member

joined:Sept 7, 2003
posts:1408
votes: 0


Two rednecks were in the woods a-huntin' when they came into a clearing with a hole in the ground. First one says "Lookit that, cain't even see the bottom." Second one says "I wonder how far it goes." First one says "Let's chunk something down there and see if we can hear it hit bottom." They look around and see an old transmission over by the bushes, go pick it up, and 1-2-3 heave it into the hole. Directly they hear a rustling noise coming from the bushes and turn around just in time to see a goat come a charging out of the bush and running right at them. Next thing they see the goat jumps into the hole.

While they ponder the situation a farmer comes along and asks "You boys seen my goat around here?"

First one says "Funny you should ask. We just seen a goat come a charging out of them bushes and jump head first into this hole." The farmer thinks a minute, spits, and says "Couldn't have been my goat. I had my goat tied to a transmission."

<disclaimer: No offense intended to rednecks, farmers, or goats.>
3:33 pm on Mar 9, 2015 (gmt 0)

Moderator from US 

WebmasterWorld Administrator lifeinasia is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Dec 10, 2005
posts:5844
votes: 190


<disclaimer: No offense intended to rednecks, farmers, or goats.>
What about transmissions?
5:46 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Nov 27, 2001
posts:1162
votes: 3


I recently moved into an idyllic windmill to cut back on living expenses.

Although cheaper, It is a bit small and golf balls keep coming through the front door!
5:52 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from FR 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member leosghost is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 15, 2004
posts:7139
votes: 412


Do you have any signs of a mouse on the stair(s) ?
5:57 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Nov 27, 2001
posts:1162
votes: 3


i was wondering what that scurrying noise was, i thought it was the tax man :o)
6:04 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Nov 27, 2001
posts:1162
votes: 3


i had someone knock on the door the other day asking if i had thought about changing energy suppliers.

i told them i would stick to food, photosynthesis seems like too much hard work.
8:50 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 10, 2002
posts:937
votes: 4


I'm starting to think this is just another joke thread.....
11:03 pm on Mar 10, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from US 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member lawman is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:May 28, 2001
posts:3615
votes: 75


Isn't a joke thread supposed to be funny?
7:30 am on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member

WebmasterWorld Senior Member beedeedubbleu is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 3, 2004
posts: 6140
votes: 24


That was my intention Lawman. ;)
10:05 am on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

System Operator from US 

incredibill is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Jan 25, 2005
posts: 14664
votes: 99


Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was being delivered in a bucket...




Two Englishmen sat in a parlor reading the paper and one lowers it saying "I see they're burying your wife today." the other gent lowers his paper and says "Yes, she's dead you know"




Cinderella finally got her dream job and a PhotoMat because she knew one day her prints would come




How do you keep a WebmasterWorld member busy?
Click this link for the answer: [webmasterworld.com...]
10:50 am on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

Junior Member

10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:June 12, 2004
posts:125
votes: 7


on the basis that the older jokes are not discriminated against...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says,
"Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the
bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager & disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone".
11:45 am on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

System Operator from US 

incredibill is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Jan 25, 2005
posts: 14664
votes: 99


Oh boo.

True life, I worked with a Peggy Walker that was from Poland and her grandfather Peter changed the family name after moving to the US. It was originally Wacker and he couldn't tolerate how much it amused everyone that he was a Peter Wacker so he changed it to Walker.

Now for some fictional endangered birds:

The MugWump: this bird sits on a fence with his mug on one side and his wump on the other.

The Milermore: this bird flies high into the upper atmosphere, then dives nose down and the air whistles in his nose and out his backside and you can hear it for a mile or more.

Chicken Little got a job in an office building and in a sudden panic ran thru the office yelling "the ceiling tiles are falling! the ceiling tiles are falling!"

OK, that last one I just made up because I'm a groan man.

Reminds me of the time I submitted ten puns to a pun contest and none of them won, no pun in ten did.

Yeah, I can do this all day.
4:30 pm on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

Moderator from US 

WebmasterWorld Administrator lifeinasia is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Dec 10, 2005
posts:5844
votes: 190


Patti Whack
Hadn't heard that one for a long time, but this is the first time I heard it with the "His old man's a Rolling Stone" addition.

Patti definitely had a lot of strange clients during her time at the bank. A few days later a snail came in asking for an auto loan for $50,000. She thought that excessive for a car for a snail, so she asked him about it. He replied with a bunch of technical details about top speed, gear ratios, horsepower, and torque. But what peaked her interest was what the snail considered the most important detail- a giant "S" painted on the hood, doors, and roof. When she asked why it was so important, he replied, "So when people see me drive by, they can yell, 'Look at that S car go!'"
8:30 pm on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Feb 10, 2002
posts:937
votes: 4


Hmmmm, OK, how about some musical definitions......

Augmented fifth - A 36 ounce bottle of JD
Diminished fifth - A half empty bottle of JD
Bar line - A queue of people, normally including a musician or two..
Discord - Not to be confused with datcord

....and now some from C/W musicians.....
12 tone scale - The thing State Police use to weigh your trailer truck
A 440 - Highway, that runs around Nashville
Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn, where you keep the horses
Clef - What you try to not fall off of
Bass clef - Place you and up at, if you do fall
Perfect pitch - The smooth coating on a fresh paved road
Treble - Women ain't nothin' but....
10:15 pm on Mar 11, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from US 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member lawman is a WebmasterWorld Top Contributor of All Time 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:May 28, 2001
posts:3615
votes: 75


@LifeinAsia:

I wasn't going to look at the beautiful mountain, but the peak, piqued a peek
1:16 am on Mar 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

Junior Member

10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:June 12, 2004
posts:125
votes: 7


Two elderly ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking. It started to rain, so the lady reached into her handbag, took out a condom, cut off the tip, slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "I say that's a good idea! Like a little raincoat. What is that thing you put over your cigarette?". The other lady said," It's called a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase condoms at any pharmacy.

When the bus arrived in the town centre, the old lady who had asked the questions went into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but he looked a little surprised that this elderly woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
2:52 am on Mar 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member from GB 

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member Top Contributors Of The Month

joined:Nov 27, 2001
posts:1162
votes: 3


Isn't a joke thread supposed to be funny?


That was my intention Lawman. ;)


i will refrain from posting anymore ;o)
7:37 am on Mar 12, 2015 (gmt 0)

Senior Member

WebmasterWorld Senior Member 10+ Year Member

joined:Sept 7, 2003
posts:1408
votes: 0


Teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class, and read up to the part where Chicken Little started saying "the sky is falling". She asked "Does anyone know what the farmer said when he heard that?"

Little girl raised her hand and the teacher says, "Yes Suzie, what did the farmer say?"

"He said, Holy Schist, a talking chicken!"
 

Join The Conversation

Moderators and Top Contributors

Hot Threads This Week

Featured Threads

Free SEO Tools

Hire Expert Members