Sunday Funnies

[tangor]

Not posted in some time... but can't help myself on this one. Can't even claim by oblique that there's any kind of internet, tech, computer, or any other kind of connection...

A man entered the bus with both
of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a
beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at
him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances
from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued
to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what
he had said.

After several minutes, not being
able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow ?"

[incrediBILL]

Blonde goes to see the doctor:

doctor: what's wrong?

blonde: it hurts everywhere!

doctor: show me

blonde:
(touches elbow) OW!
(touches knee) OW!
(touches nose) OW! doctor, what's wrong with me?

doctor: you have a broken finger

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his tractor fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at a DIY store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home?

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut through this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, ‘Aw come on missus! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, ‘Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[incrediBILL]

another tail (pun intended) of being lost...

3 ducks flying south for the winter weren't sure they were going the right direction and stopped to check their course.

The Daddy duck stuck his head between his legs and said "My instincts say were headed North!"

The Mommy duck stuck her head between her legs and said "My instincts say were headed South!"

The Baby duck stuck his head between his legs and said "My end stinks so bad I can't tell which way we're going!"

[johnhh]

Man on death bed with wife looking over him " I have a confession to make"

Wife: "Shhhh - save your strength"

Man on Death bed: "No I have to confess .. I had your sister and her daughter"

Wife: "Shhhh - let the poison work"

[johnhh]

Bill Gates gets to Gates of Heaven..

God says "What do you choose Heaven or hell ?"

Bill says "let me look"

God says "OK here's Heaven.. shows movie of angels on clouds "and here's Hell" shows palm trees, beaches,young ladies, fast cars, and boats in sunshine.

Bill Gates says: "OK I choose Hell"

Goes to Hell

All fire, brimstone, working in mine

Bill : "Hey where's the beach, palm trees, girls, fast cars ?"

The Devil says: "That was just the demo !"

[lucy24]

Doctor, I'm afraid my husband is becoming impotent.

Well, these things do happen as you get older. How old are you now?

I'm seventy-eight and my husband's eighty-two.

There you are, then. When did you first start noticing the symptoms?

Last night and this morning.


I'll go away now.

[incrediBILL]

Not so bright Husband comes home from the doctors wearing a new suit.

Wife: what did the doctor say?

Husband: He said I'm impotent!

Wife: So what's with the new suit?

Husband: Because if I'm going to be impotent I;m going to look impotent!

you may groan now

[tangor]

Okay, I'm done with this... but it's nice to have chuckles once in a while...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb
had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying,
Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved
playing women's softball all our lives,
and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if
there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her
deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been
my best friend for many years. If it's
at all possible, I'll do this favor
for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened
from a sound sleep by a blinding flash
of white light and a voice calling out
to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up
suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,'
insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have
some really good news and a little
bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said
Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that
there's softball in Heaven. Better
yet all of our old buddies who died
before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again. Better
still, it's always springtime, and it
never rains or snows. And best of all,
we can play softball all we want, and
we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's
beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[tangor]

Okay... this Sunday has passed, so I really need to get back to work...

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

[lucy24]

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that
there's softball in Heaven. Better
yet all of our old buddies who died
before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again. Better
still, it's always springtime, and it
never rains or snows. And best of all,
we can play softball all we want, and
we never get tired.'

Somehow this makes me think of the Twilight Zone episode about a gambler who died.

Punch line: What makes you think you're in Heaven?

[rocknbil]

Bill Gates gets to Gates of Heaven..

Three women are out on girls' night out talking about their husbands.

"My husband is an artist. When we make love, it has passion and fire."

"My husband is an athelete, he can go all night long!"

"Hmmph. My husband works for Microsoft. All he does is sit on the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when it gets here."

next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

Blonde gets fired from a job, goes home, there's barely any food for her and her children. Kneels and prays to God: "Dear Lord, help me out, let me win the lottery and I'll forever be your servant."

Two days pass, nothing. She's down to half a carton of milk and prays again. "Dear Lord, help me and my children, let me win the lottery."

On the third day she finds an eviction notice on her door, and drops right there to pray. "Please, please let me win the lottery."

The clouds part in a clap of thunder, a bright light shines down from the heavens, and a booming voice echoes out . . .

"Help me out here, honey. Buy a ticket."

[incrediBILL]

Two nuns go into a liquor store...

Store owner: What can I do for you ladies?

Sister 1: We would like a bottle of whiskey

Store owner: Whiskey? You're nuns! you're not supposed to drink whiskey!

Sister 2: It's strictly for medicinal purposes, it's for Mother Superiors constipation

Store owner: OK, that's fine then

The store owner bags the bottle and sends them on their way.

Later, after he closes the store he runs into the two nuns sitting at a bus stop bench rip roaring drunk, knee-slapping laughing, having a real good time

Store owner: Sisters! I thought you said that whiskey was strictly for medicinal purposes, Mother Superiors constipation?

Sister 1: (laughs loudly) IT IS!

Sister 2: (laughs louder) cause when she sees us, she's really gonna crap!

[tangor]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He
complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales
guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in
a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told
him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet
he felt like an idiot.