my Thesis statement needs your feedback and constructive criticism

[galasoul]

Hello everybody!
I am hoping that you guys could help me with my thesis statement and give me some constructive criticism. English is my second language and I do have a tendency to apply my first language's grammatical rules to English sentences; that of course completely confuses the hell out of the reader ( you are about to experience it).

I guess what i really need to know is whether this makes sense to you at all. Here it is:

Although the general attitude towards digital arts is less appreciative, less favorable than those of traditional arts, where digital often considered by the public as “not real”, the digital art can hold same emotional content, has ability to evoke feelings, and capable of getting even better response rate of the viewers because of its interactive qualities.

please any input is greatly appreciated!

[tangor]

Welcome galasoul:

Sometimes less is more.

There are five statements in that one sentence. Some are basis for start. Some are basis of research. Some are basis for thesis.

Dump all that and just reveal what the thesis is about. Should be about two lines since it appears "interactive" is the keystone.

[jsinger]

My university English professor demanded that freshmen never write sentences of more than 25 words. That's probably a helpful rule for most writing. Your sentence is double that length.

Read "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White:
[en.wikipedia.org...]
It is a concise "summation of the case for cleanliness, accuracy, and brevity in the use of English."

[jsinger]

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Lord Bulwer-Lytton, 1830

[galasoul]

Thank a million to Tangor and Jsinger. I just read Developing a Thesis at Harvard.edu and now I see what you both talking about. I am all over the place!
I will work on it now and will post tomorrow for your further critique. I am actually working on two different topics for my thesis. I will post both if you do not mind.

Jsinger, I did find your quote from Lord Bulwer-Lyton very funny. That's pretty much how all my essays look like. So some reason in Europe we are encourage to write longer sentences hoping that that will make up look smarter. lol

[galasoul]

meant to say: For some reason .... encouraged ....make us ....

typos

[jsinger]

Had to share this:

It is commonly stated that "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could "I do" be the longest?

[galasoul]

ahahah.... for sure !

[graeme_p]

Many good writers use long sentences when appropriate. They are often better, and can even be easier to read if properly constructed.

Using longer than necessary sentences to sound more impressive works in English. So does using difficult words. There is research that proves this.

There are a number of grammatical mistakes in that sentence, but there is no point listing them if you are rewriting it.

[kaled]

Using longer than necessary sentences to sound more impressive works in English. So does using difficult words.

Stupid people might be impressed by the use of long words and/or sentences when short ones will do, however, it is to be hoped that someone marking a thesis is a little more intelligent.

As for the the original statement - the content looks ok to me (but my background is science not arts) but it could be written much better. How about this...

Although digital arts are often less appreciated and may not always be considered as "real art", they can nonetheless evoke the same emotional response. Furthermore, interactive art can produce higher response rates than traditional static art.

galasoul,
Your written English is excellent in this thread, so my advice when writing your thesis is don't try too hard and don't try to stretch it out or use unfamiliar vocabulary. A thesis should be easy to understand so keep it clear and concise.

If the reader is used to ploughing through acres of waffle, an easy-to-read, clear and concise work will feel like a breath of fresh air. Of course, I am assuming that you have something useful and original to say - if you don't then waffle and padding might be your only salvation.

Kaled.

[BillyS]

Although digital arts are often less appreciated, and may not always be considered "real art," interactive digital art can often produce higher response rates than traditional static art.

Another suggestion, picking up on kaled's. The important thing here is that our suggestions should convey the true objective of your thesis. Your call.

[jsinger]

"Clutter is the disease of American writing. We are a society strangling in unnecessary words, circular construction, pompous frills and meaningless jargon."


"But the secret of good writing is to strip every sentence to its cleanest components. Every word that serves no function, every long word that could be a short word, every adverb which carries the same meaning that is already in the verb, every passive construction that leaves the reader unsure of who is doing what--these are the thousand and one adulterants that weaken the strength of a sentence. And they usually occur, ironically, in proportion to education and rank."


"Simplify, Simplify. Thoreau said it..." "Open Walden to any page and you will find a man saying in a plain and orderly way what is on his mind:"


"Writing is hard work. A clear sentence is no accident. Very few sentences come out right the first time, or the third."


--
From "On Writing Well: An Informal Guide to Writing Nonfiction" by Yale professor William Zinsser. 1980.

[buckworks]

to sound more impressive

Impress them with the clarity of your thought, not the weight of your verbiage.

Many good writers use long sentences when appropriate. They are often better, and can even be easier to read if properly constructed.

Yes.

A good guideline is to aim for an average sentence length of around twenty words. Don't be afraid to write a long sentence now and then, but balance it with shorter sentences to keep the average word count down.

Approach specialized vocabulary the same way. Use big words when needed, but balance them with simpler language all around.

Based on your opening post I'd recommend studying the concept of "parallel structures" to enhance clarity. For improving ease of reading, sentence structure is just as important as length.

--

Recommended reading, not already mentioned:

"Writing With Precision: How To Write So That You Cannot Possibly Be Misunderstood" by former NASA technical writer Jefferson D. Bates. 1978.

[weeks]

What is this about? It is about "Interactive digital art."
Start with that.
Interactive digital art can often produce higher response rates than traditional static art.

"higher response rates" is unclear. Define it. (Tip: Something measurable would be useful, but, well, it's art, so good luck with that.)

Interactive digital art can often produce ..... than traditional static art.

That's it. That's your thesis statement, which you will explain in full in the paper, where you will, of course, fully (but concisely, please. Examples are useful but not not enough) define "traditional static art" as well as "interactive digital art." And, in paper you can use the emotional content you find in digital art to make your point about "high response rates," however you decide to define that.

Good luck. Great topic.
The medium is the message.
[en.wikipedia.org...]

[graeme_p]

Stupid people might be impressed by the use of long words and/or sentences when short ones will do, however, it is to be hoped that someone marking a thesis is a little more intelligent.

You are way too optimistic. A study (involving presenting them with low quality material wrapped up in impressive language) proved that academics are impressed by elaborate language.

Its important to distinguish between "long sentences", and "hard to understand sentences". It is possible to write long sentences that are easy to understand. Terry Pratchett does it very well in some books (although he uses a different style in others), as does PG Woodehouse.

Chapter nine of Woodhouse's "Much Obliged Jeeves" starts with a 90 word sentence that is very easy to read.

Of course, easy to read long sentences are not going to impress!

[jsinger]

How long is the average English sentence? Several online sources say it is about 14.3 words. Some American college websites recommend that sentences contain about 15 to 20 words with a maximum of 30 to 35 depending on the subject and audience.

Sentences have shrunk. A study of British newspaper editorials shows the average sentence contained about 30 words in 1900 and about 20 in 1990, with most of that astonishing contraction occurring early on. Lord Bulwer-Lytton's verbosity wasn't unusual for the 1830s.

I'd like to see that study, Graeme_P. I advised my kids to use simple sentences of varying length with tight precise wording. To me, a powerful vocabulary of one and two-syllable words is more impressive than time spent Goggling sesquipedalian monstrosities. I suggested that my kids sprinkle two or three long "showy" words into major writing assignments.

Even the notorious Bulwer-Lytton could cut the fat. He is also remembered for crafting "The pen is mightier than the sword."

[lawman]

Paragraphs have shrunk too. Guess we have the internet to thank for that.

[CyBerAliEn]

galasoul...

You say thesis, so I assume you are in higher academics (graduate school)? Lately I only hear "thesis" from those in graduate schools; so consider my advice below.

If you're writing general English, and by "thesis" you mean the main idea of your paper/essay, then disregard this post.

I must highly stress that thesis/research writing is significantly different from other writing styles (general, business, literature, etc).

Further, depending upon which field you study, will also vastly shape the "expectations" of your writing. For example, the grammar/structure/etc of your thesis/research is going to be very different if you are doing a thesis on English literature verses evolutionary biological systems.

If you are doing a thesis, you should have a "mentor" (at minimum) in your university system (usually a professor). Talk to your mentor and get their advice. Their advice will be far more valuable and useful to you than any advice this forum could give you on this specific subject.


Advice from someone with graduate degree in engineering.

[galasoul]

Thank u everyone for very helpful information. It will definitely be very useful when I am working on my thesis. I am in design school and I will have to  tie this thesis into my final project before my graduation. I will have to select a service or product and create a 360 ad campaign for it . Campaign will have to somehow be related to my thesis. 
After reading "developing a thesis" on Harvard's website and after reading all your posts I realized that my statement is too subjective and more like an opinion. 
Here is what I learned from "Developing a thesis" guide written by  Maxine Rodburg 
and The Tutors of the Writing Center at Harvard University :
- A thesis is never a question
-A thesis is never a list
-A thesis should never be vague, combative or confrontational
-An effective thesis has a definable, arguable claim
-A thesis should be as clear and specific as possible
As u could see my thesis statement was not sharing these characteristics.  taking into consideration advice of  CyberAlien I talked to my professor about my concerns and was allowed to change my topic . I should mention that we were advised from the very beginning chose a topic that interests us.  
I am very excited about my new choice and I believe  it has great potential for future 360 ad campaign, has millions  related products and services to choose from. 
Here it is : While excessive over-breeding and failure to spay and neuter do contribute to the overpopulation of domestic animals in U.S., it is the therm "owner" itself that carries a greater responsibility for inability to defeat overpopulation. 
I know this one is not as challenging as previous one , but I think it's clear, it states counter point , and it makes you wanna ask "why?" . I would love to know what u guys think 

Thank u everyone for your response 

Galasoul      

Sent from my iPad

[vik_c]

You could break that up into more sentences and make it more readable.

The general attitude towards digital arts is less appreciative and favorable towards traditional arts with digital art often bring considered by the public as “not real”. Nevertheless digital art can hold the same emotional content and has the ability to evoke feelings. It is capable of evoking a better response from the viewers because of its interactive qualities.