Doh!

Looking for head slappers, groaners, and whoops!

[tangor]

Keep 'em clean!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than dumb. It means someone stole the tent.'

[rocknbil]

^ ^ <worthy of groan> ^ ^

"Doctor, I think I have schizophrenia."

"Well, let me play the doctor. What's wrong?"

"I have this conflict. I don't know if I'm a WigWam or a TeePee."

"Ah. You're not schizophrenic. You're too tense."

.
.
.
.
Think about it for a second, say it out loud . . . I'll be long out of reach of flying objects by the time it hits you . . .

[tbear]

The lone ranger (Quien no sabe) and tonto are surrounded.
There is no escape!
The lone ranger turns to tonto and says "We are surrounded!".
Tonto replies, "What do you mean WE paleface!".
;)

[tangor]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

[youfoundjake]

*groan* ^^^^

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about the birds and the bees. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[edited by: lawman at 9:05 am (utc) on May 10, 2010]

[Matthew1980]

Paddy & Murphy go to the fayre, looking around the park they see all of the rides and decide which to go on and in what order.

They go on the dodgems and the waltzer, and then arrive at the roller coaster, at this point Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Hey der Murphy, d'ya tink, dat if we goa on dis ride as we'll fall out?", Murphy looks around to Paddy and replies, "No Paddy, we shall always be friends so we shall!".

(Have you tried typing an Irish accent, recently, its kinda hard!)

Cheers,
MRb

[jecasc]

Little kid likes to cuddle with his kindergarten teacher. One day the usual teacher is away and the child asks the replacement: Do you have a bosom, too?
Teacher - baffled: Ehm, yes of course.
Kid: Can you bring it with you tomorrow then, because with it's much more comfy.

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

True story...

When my little grandson was four he was at nursery school and told the lady who was in charge that he was going to a party dressed as a cowboy that evening. The lady asked if she could come as a cowgirl. Grandson says, "Yes, you get fat cowgirls too."

[rocker]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged my Computer, and threw out my wine.

[Old_Honky]

An old man goes to see the Doctor, he has all sorts of health problems and he's also a bit deaf so he takes his wife along.

After a long consultation the doc says "I'm not sure what's wrong with you so I'm going to have to do some tests, I'll need samples of your blood, urine, faeces, and semen."

The old chap looks a bit blank and turns to his wife "What's that he said?"
The wife answers "You have to leave your underpants behind."

[rocker]

Two hicks were sitting in a bar when they noticed a woman at the end of the bar choking. One of the hicks stood up, walked over to the woman, lifted up her skirt and licked her rear end.

The woman was so horrified by this that it caused her to spit out what she was choking on.

The hick then calmly returned to his seat, his friend turned to him and said "I've heard of that hind lick maneuver, but never seen anyone perform it"

[blend27]

2 drunken Mississippi Gators sitting in the beach chairs on edge of The Grand Canyon,. Case of Corona, bucket of raw shrimp, all that!, looking down the valley... One of them blurbs: Yo-oup-grrr, how thin do you think the air is up in hear.. The other one says: stop talking, lets FLY!

[tangor]

The aging golfer returns home and throws his bag on the floor. His wife of 50 years asks: "What's the matter?"
"I lost six balls in the rough. My eyes are getting so bad I can't find them!"
"Take my brother with you," she says.
"Your brother? He's 103, he's 11 years older than I am!"
"But his eyesight is perfect."
He thinks about it and, next visit to the links, takes his brother-in-law along. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and tries to watch his ball, but his eyes fail him. "Did you see it?" he asked the brother-in-law.
"Of course I did! I have perfect eyesight!"
"Well," the golfer sheepishly asked. "Where'd my ball go?"
The brother-in-law replied: "I don't remember."

[tangor]

On his 65th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation & handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.

The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, & with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine & it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful & then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life & you will be able to perform as long as you want."

Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned & asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4;' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine & then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes & said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited & began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys & girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ...Because we could end up with a dangling participle...

[rocknbil]

A big Texan marries a petite little cowgirl. On their wedding night, he rolls off his 48 waist pants, tosses them to her, and says, "here, put these on."

Thinking he was toying with her, she gives it a go. They wrap around her waist nearly twice. She laughs, "I can't wear these pants!"

"That's right," he grins, "and as long you remember that, things 'L be just fine around here."

She crawls under the sheets, and tosses him her panties. "Here, you give it a try."

The big guy can't even get it past one knee. "I can't get into these panties!"

"That's right," she said, "and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

[weeks]

And that, boys & girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ...Because we could end up with a dangling participle...

Ha. Good one. Hmmm. Might be better if we got closer at the end to at least a potential dangling participle with a lot of "...ing" adjectives.

And that, boys & girls, is another reason for considering on why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. Let's be focusing on avoiding risking a dangling participle.

Now THAT deserves a groan.

[Hoople]

Q: Where does the Easter bunny get his breakfast? A: IHOP!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? A: With a hare dryer!

(\___/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

[wyweb]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

^sorry...

[g1smd]

It means someone stole the tent.

On this side of the pond, that joke is told almost word for word the same, except the two characters are Watson and Holmes.

[tangor]

Roy: More hay, Trigger?
Trigger: No thanks, I'm stuffed.

[akmac]

Why was the flower mad at the bee?


You'd be mad too if someone took your honey and nectar.