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By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on
back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right
wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
[edited by: LifeinAsia at 11:32 pm (utc) on June 28, 2007]
It's one of those net jokes that goes round and round. This is about the 4th time I've seen it, with a different airline every time!
There's a good one about insurance claims somewhere too that's also hilarious!
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous.
Crashing is.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others.
You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds.
The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is
commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour
and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21.It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.
It's the law.
And it's not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are
the altitude above you,
runway behind you,
and a tenth of a second ago.
What's the difference between a good stewardess and a great stewardess?
A good stewardess says, "Good Morning Captain".
A great stewardess says, "It's Morning Captain".
The man took off smoothly and climbed to 250 ft, 500 ft, 750 ft, 1000 ft ... all the way to 2500 ft, when all of a sudden the helicopter crashed!
Service personnel came running, wondering what had gone awry.
"Well, it started out great at first ... but once I flew higher, it started getting quite chilly ... so I turned the fan off."
full plastic wrap,
bubble wrap,
and TWO layers of two inch thick foam on all six sides
See 8th rule of flying
full plastic wrap,
bubble wrap,and TWO layers of two inch thick foam on all six sides
I worked at UPS for 2 years... you got off easy.
Think about the times/locations/situations where you need to tell someone it's morning...
