I have this really great idea for a website

[httpwebwitch]

Hi everyone, I'm hoping someone here can help me.

I have this really great idea for a website. I can't say what it is unless you're all going to sign an NDA - LOL! it's so radical and amazing, you will be astounded!

For the right individual, this is a golden opportunity to get in on the ground floor of what will no doubt be a massive success, on the scale of Facebook, Amazon, Google. There are no investors, so I can't pay you in money. Instead, in return for building the first working version of the website, you will be given 1.3% of the company, provided you sign a life-bonding contract in blood. Imagine what 1.3% of a kajillion dollars will be in 2 years!

The candidate must have expert knowledge of: CSS, HTML, PHP, ASP, SMS, SSL, ASP, JML, XML, XSLT, WSDL, WML, DSL, DNS, DAL, SQL, SQI, CMS, PLQ, DRM, FLQ, PLO, AMPX, DIVX, REST, SEX, MOJO, and PMS. Ability to set up an email account is a plus.

Applying candidate must also have their own equipment, and provide their own web servers, software, etc. Also, I need someone to help me set up an email account.

This is a parody

[Staffa]

>> This is a parody

A good thing you added this as I was going to ask you : ".. and what will your input be, creating the next cewl ?"

Though you read this kind of description often enough, always good for a laugh.

[LifeinAsia]

This is a parody

I dunno about that- pretty sure I've seen almost that exact wording in several job postings. :)

[phranque]

wait! what?
you stole that idea from this other guy.
i was about to start working on a site just like that.
as soon as he wrote up the proposal.

[httpwebwitch]

It's truthy fiction. Compiled based on 3 real solicitations I've received in the past couple of months.

[LifeinAsia]

So you've gone to the Dark Side and become a content scraper...

[phranque]

3?
lucky!
i only got 2...

[MatthewHSE]

I knew a guy who took one of those jobs once. The baby he was watching wasn't too bad once he turned on the flashing lights and siren noises on her playpen, but the VCR they wanted him to program was so old that he had to resort to the owner's manual before he figured it out.

[rocknbil]

Someone's been browsing those freelance sites today. About every third RFP is worded almost exactly like that.

I hope they allow this link to stay. It's more famous than Britney What'z-er-name.

Client Vendor Relationship [youtube.com]

Come on man, work with me here! This isn't a challenge, it's an opportunity!

[LifeinAsia]

I saw that before- still hilarious!

[dpd1]

Back at the height of the dot com craze, a friend of mine asked me to go with him to meet these guys who were starting a new site based on the industry we were then working in. At the time I wasn't quite into the web yet, but I had done a database that involved the same industry. Since my friend barely knew how to turn on a computer, I guess he figured he needed me. So we go and meet these guys... One of them asked how long it took me to create my database... Before I could open my mouth, my friend answered "a month"... making it seem like he had something to do with it. That's when I realized where this was going.

So we then go to meet the head guy. He sits down and basically gives us that same speech as above. He wanted us to work for free indefinitely, while being given a piece of the action. Well, my friend jumped right in. Then I asked the guy... "So... How exactly is the site going to produce revenue? Is it going to be advertising based? A membership? What exactly?" Now, considering we were being asked to work for free indefinitely, you would think that would be a fair question to ask. Well... The big cheese got this look on his face like I just insulted his mother, and dodged the whole question. But DID take the time to pretty much try to insult me into thinking I was an idiot for not getting involved, because they were all going to be rich. I felt like I was sitting in a car dealership.

Down in the parking lot, I told my friend he could do whatever he wanted, but I didn't recommend getting involved. Later, he called and told me that the head guy accepted him, but told him he didn't particularly like me... I wasn't welcome. Gee, I wonder why. Not stupid enough I guess.

So long story longer... My friend worked for them for free for about a year. Last I heard they gave him a salary for about a month, then closed the whole thing. It never even went public.

[tangor]

@httpwebwitch: Not a bad troll for drones and busy folks! Nicely done!

[astupidname]

I'm shocked the candidate apparently need not know Javascript, AJAX, Jscript, VBscript, C#, AS3, Java and C++

help me set up an email account.

Had me laughing pretty good there! Ha ha ha!

[commanderW]

Yes - this is exactly what the ads for web developers on Craigs list read like !

Yes again on the youtube video link !

I got a call from a guy who wanted "A site just like Facebook, you know, social media - I've got 300$." Just like that I swear. Like he really thought that was a big investment.

Then a local literary mover and shaker ( by his own estimation) told me he was putting his "famous" literary mag online - subscription fee based. "You build the site and take care of the technical details. Since I like you I'll cut you in on 10% of the business profit, and...I'll toss in a couple hundred bucks for good will." Just like that I swear. He gave me his card and I tossed it in the trashcan as soon as I got around the corner just to protect myself in desperate times.

And, last but not least, a paying client got his site, then asked me to teach him how to do future additions himself, just like the diners to the chef - 'So we can make it at home'.

what is wrong with this world anyhow?

[Victoria83]

I'm shocked the candidate apparently need not know Javascript, AJAX, Jscript, VBscript, C#, AS3, Java and C++

help me set up an email account.


Had me laughing pretty good there! Ha ha ha!

LOL had me laughing too...

So, is this guy stealing from someone? :O

[rocknbil]

what is wrong with this world anyhow?

Don't get me wrong. I love the Internet. It's changed my life, mostly for the better.

But it has taken a lot away from humanity. Anonymity allows the darkest underside to show, the worst example of which is expressed by kids on the Internet. Most of them perceive the Internet as a "pretend place" and it's all "not real." These aren't real people, these are avatars, video game characters, not real people at all.

Out of the mouths of babes . . . this reveals how many people see us. There's always some sucker out there a) stupid enough to believe me, or b) hungry enough to let me use them. It's different when it's the neighbor down the street, but someone on the Internet is a means to an end, it's not real, I want what I want, what you want is irrelevant.

The second problem I see is that the Internet has trained us to believe everything is free. It's not stealing, if it's on the Internet, it's free. And you, your work? It's free too.

There are even "Internet gurus" selling ebooks detailing on how to work us, how to screw us out of a decent living, to meet their ends. I can see their signature pitches in many of the RFP's, and just when I think I've heard it all, here's a new one.

My personal favorites are

"Should be an easy job for someone who knows what they are doing." (So it should only cost me $5.)

"This is a simple job, bid accordingly." (So you don't need me then. Oh but you're someone important who doesn't have the time to deal with it, got it.)

"There's much more work in the future if you can do an excellent job within my budget." (a whole fifty bucks, and there's never more work.)

"When responding, your proposal must contain the word 'orange.' Proposals not containing this word will be rejected." (When responding to my proposal, your reply must contain the words "I've made the deposit into your account" or you'll never see a line of code . . . this bit of 'wisdom' is from one of the guru's ebooks and is supposed to be a lame way of proving the provider actually read the RFP. Like a Captcha, but far more idiotic.)

"The last provider flaked out on me, so I will NOT be paying a cent until I see the project completed to my satisfaction." (I wonder why they flaked, if you look hard enough, you will probably find them in Sunnyvale Psychiatric Ward . . . after working with you.)

The list goes on . . . I've seen them all . . . while it used to make me a bit annoyed, it's just . . . pathetic. I feel sorry for them, and even sorrier for the bright eyed newbies who bite their hooks.

But there are always good things, good people, good ways to make it work. You just have to filter out the white noise.

[astupidname]

Yeah, I find it all amusing too, though I am not actually in the web business for purposes of doing design/development for other individuals (though I have done a few paid gigs).
From craigslist:

I am seeking to find a talented graphics and wordpress helper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need someone willing to help me with managing my wordpress website. I would like this individual to also be skilled in graphic design. Ability in video editing/creation would be a bonus. I have many talents, but these are not them. Rather than a direct compensation, I would like to discuss how we can help each other. I certainly have a lot to offer as I have run several companies and am very talented at driving revenues. I believe in partnerships and know that through this, you will get a far greater long-term return. If you have the partnership mindset and are willing to help me, please let me know. Thank you.


--------------------------
•Compensation: na

A classic example,
>>Rather than a direct compensation, ...I would rather waste your time...
>>as I have run several companies ...into the ground... (note the past tense)
>>and am very talented at driving revenues ...oh yeah? where? from what? If you're so talented with revenues, how come you have none to pay me with?
>>you will get a far greater long-term return ...oh great! thank goodness I found you then! Surely a year from now I will be thanking my lucky stars!
>>If you have the partnership mindset and are willing to help me, ...If you're willing to let me walk all over you...

I think you would have to be pretty stupid, or very very bored to respond to that one...

Another one:

I am looking for a talented Web Designer, must have some knowledge about Lynx. This job pay's 30% of the profit of each web site created.

30% of practically nothing sounds just great... why don't I just build my own and keep it all...

Yup, just about any given day you can find tons of these on craigslist, though there are some good ones in there too sometimes.

[dpd1]

Don't get me wrong. I love the Internet. It's changed my life, mostly for the better.

But it has taken a lot away from humanity. Anonymity allows the darkest underside to show, the worst example of which is expressed by kids on the Internet. Most of them perceive the Internet as a "pretend place" and it's all "not real." These aren't real people, these are avatars, video game characters, not real people at all.

Out of the mouths of babes . . . this reveals how many people see us. There's always some sucker out there a) stupid enough to believe me, or b) hungry enough to let me use them. It's different when it's the neighbor down the street, but someone on the Internet is a means to an end, it's not real, I want what I want, what you want is irrelevant.

The second problem I see is that the Internet has trained us to believe everything is free. It's not stealing, if it's on the Internet, it's free. And you, your work? It's free too.

There are even "Internet gurus" selling ebooks detailing on how to work us, how to screw us out of a decent living, to meet their ends. I can see their signature pitches in many of the RFP's, and just when I think I've heard it all, here's a new one.

Of course, scamming people is nothing new. The people that used to use circulars and fliers just use the net now. But I agree for the most part.

Just take a look at the comments on youtube. People think they can just say whatever they want with zero consequences. If you look at some people's profile, they do nothing but just spend every night going around attacking people.

I was one of the people against Napster. Still being pretty young at the time, I took a lot of crap from friends for that position. I remember getting into it with some guy at a party over it one time... He said "rich rock stars have enough money already... we should get the music for free". This is the mentality you have to deal with now days from many young people. Then I noticed the guy had a very nice Motorcycle. So I said... "So, then you won't mind if I just come by and take your bike tomorrow then? I mean... You look to have more money than me, so I guess that means it's OK if I just come by your house and take your bike... You won't mind, right"? No response.

I've also realized that the internet can be a place for people with serious issues... To this day, there is a guy on a forum I participate on, that is convinced I am the person behind numerous IDs on the forum. He accuses me of it constantly. He explained to me that I am apparently one person in a family business that runs the site, and for yucks, myself and the other people in the company create all these fake accounts, and have fake arguments and discussions. Of course, the people he is referring to are actual real people, just talking. He somehow dug up info on my sites, and I had to threaten him to stop harassing me. To this day he still believes these things.

The golden era of the internet was about 15 years ago. The intelligence average was high and it just seemed to be a lot of fun. People were still mostly friendly, and the idiot hordes hadn't arrived yet. But oh well.

[Drag_Racer]

I had a good one in my mail box this morning... They wanted some serious algo's / AI stuff written for matching phrase meaning against a database of groups of text. Of course it was needed asap and they were on a limited budget. I had to laugh. Bing or Google can't even get that right yet and I'm just a lone freelancer...lol

The golden era of the internet was about 15 years ago. The intelligence average was high and it just seemed to be a lot of fun. People were still mostly friendly, and the idiot hordes hadn't arrived yet. But oh well.

Well said.