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Relationship 'break'

Meh. I am so down.

     
5:14 pm on Sep 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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2 and a half years of being a model boyfriend, and my girlfriend has asked for a break (2 weeks).

I feel awful.

We are 20 now. She says she just needs time. She's afraid of being with someone forever, being young. She loves me though.

I don't know what to think.

Jon

6:03 pm on Sept 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Well, I have to say, that it will probably be longer than 2 weeks. This happened to me when I was younger, too. People sometimes have to see how bad it is before they realized how good it was and 2 weeks won't allow that to happen.

But on the brighter side, b/c I was a great GF, he came back 5 years later. We are now married with kids and love each other very much. If it's meant to be, it will be.

7:00 pm on Sept 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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One pattern we've noticed for unhappiness or divorce in our friends marriages seems to occur sometimes when they married very young and then years later one partner felt like he or she missed out on something. (It's not always the guy doing the checking out, either.) I think sometimes there is more motivation to make a relationship work when you've lived on your own had some dateless lonely Friday and Saturday nights to look back on instead of just fantasizing about how great it would be to be free and single.

I know it is painful to have a have some bumps, and maybe even an end to a long term relationship. However, if your significant other has doubts about staying together it really is much is better for her to express these now and date other people rather decide that she needs her freedom after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids.

9:50 pm on Sept 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Good advice above.....
Best, though hardest, thing to do might be enjoy being a soloist again. If your girlfriend is inclined she may come running back, but if you are being sad all over the place, she may not be that interested, nor will others.
I should qualify my references at this point: Divorced twice and living alone!
Hmmmmmm, on second thoughts, you are at liberty to ignore my advice.
Hey, good luck anyway! At some 30 years more than you, I am qualified to say, something wonderful will happen, eventually. Just let it happen on it's own.
9:58 pm on Sept 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Just let it happen on it's own.

From whatever little i know, these are very wise words, indeed.

11:01 pm on Sept 28, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Jane Doe is smart. listen.

I know it sucks to be told how young you are and how much you might be missing out on being with one person - but there's some good advice there, and definitely true in my experience that more often that not, it doesn't work. it's a very rare thing when it does.

current example, my sister's 21 yr old friend just had baby #2 and left her husband this spring, and they would have been a pair you expected to stay together.

But even so, better to give each other time to figure out who you are as individuals, and then decide if your interests and goals are similar enough to make it work.

and trust me, you don't want to be wondering 10 years from now if you missed out on something. and because you also don't want your first love to be something you regret.

1:54 am on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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I know it's a bit aways from you Jon, but the best cure for a bad day is the Blues. :)

In London, in soho, there's a great little bar called "ain't nonthing but the blues"... The owner is a swell guy. Run down there, get yourself a hotel room, order a stiff whiskey, and go enjoy a night there. You'll feel better, at least for the night.

7:02 am on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Let her have her time alone, two weeks are up take her out for a very nice meal and talk things through.

Then see what you both want.

9:28 am on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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dude,

You should have taken backups.

That is why you should never abondon your firends when you in a relationship. Even foster possible future opportunities so when the time comes. The transition from server to server will be painless. (or less painfull)

my 2c.

10:25 am on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Hi, Don't Worry about it. My partner left me for her ex about 3 months ago after a 7 year relationship. Doesn't take long before you realise that wonky minded chicks do not make you happy. Put it down to being a bad converter and go to the pub with your mates.
Ska
1:20 pm on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Even foster possible future opportunities so when the time comes. The transition from server to server will be painless.

That's just sleazy.

We're talking about humans, not computers.

@phidentity: Jane Doe pretty well said exactly what I wanted to say. Nothing any of us say can actually make it easier at first, but try to take her post to heart (and completely ignore Mr. "Server to Server"...).

8:56 pm on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Mine did the same a few years ago, when I was 20. 2 weeks turned into 2 months, and eventually the end.

She came back a few months ago, then left again.

I still don't know what she really feels for me, nor what I feel for her. Some questions cannot be answered.

9:23 pm on Sept 29, 2004 (gmt 0)

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"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need."

-Tyler Durden in Fight Club

very good advice.

2:04 am on Sept 30, 2004 (gmt 0)

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I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

Yes, clearly multiple personalities are much healthier than a woman. ;)

I still don't know what she really feels for me, nor what I feel for her.

Well yeah... that's me and my ex in a nutshell. It's not just women doing it to men, mind you.

9:34 am on Oct 1, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Yes, clearly multiple personalities are much healthier than a woman. ;)

Hehehe. Nice comeback, Mivox : -) But I'm sure we don't want to get into the whole "it's the women's/man's fault" debate here since we know who'll win that one, right? Woops! But seriously, that can get ugly.

Back on topic. Phidentity - sorry you're feeling bad about your girl. No advice, just wanted to say I've been through it and I know it hurts.

10:09 am on Oct 1, 2004 (gmt 0)

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There is nothing I can say that is going to help, and having been in a similar situation before, I know that whatever people say isn't going to change the way you feel. But you'll look back in a year or so and a lot of what has been said here will make a lot of sense. Time *is* a good healer.

Two stories:

When I was your age (I'm now 28) I was in a long term relationship and one day, out of the blue. BOSH - she ended it. My world fell apart. This girl was my future. I was absolutely devastated. - Well, I kept myself busy (learnt HTML) and caught up with all the friends I had lost touch with over the last few years. A year later, I looked back and though "am I glad that relationship ended".

Second story: two years ago, I met who I thought was my soulmate. We dated for a month or so, and for various reasons it didn't work out. we kept in touch as friends and to cut a long story short, we're getting married next year. I'm a big believer in "if you are meant for each other, it will work out".

Just a last one before I stop waffling:

If she wants a break for two weeks, give her one. And I know it's going to be temopting to ring her when you get back from the pub after a few jars. -- write her number down. give it to a trusted friend to look after for two weeks and then delete her number from your phone.

Good luck

5:03 am on Oct 5, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Yes, clearly multiple personalities are much healthier than a woman. ;)

Actually, they are, because then you can have a relationship with yourself.

3:06 pm on Oct 5, 2004 (gmt 0)

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She says she just needs time.

Your only chance, and it may be a slim one, is to give her what she wants: time, and lots of it. If you call, write, e-mail or contact her in any way, there's a good chance you'll just irritate her.

Concentrate on yourself for at least six months. Learn some new skill, join a club, make new friends.

And if she doesn't contact you in that time then after the six months is up write her one card (like for her birthday or something) and if she doesn't respond, forget about it and move on.

Only she can make up her mind. And if she decides she's not into you, then that's it. And ask yourself: why would you want to spend your time and resouces on someone who's not into you. Once she decides that way, you're better off with someone else.

3:26 am on Oct 6, 2004 (gmt 0)

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You have to roll with what life hands you and move on. I can't recall a single instance of change, no matter how heart rending at the time, that I'm not grateful for.

The time to worry is when nothing is changing.

We tend to get hung up on the now, as if that comprised the sum of our existence. The temptation is near irresistible. Yet the reality is that this moment is just one small part of a much larger life, your life, that has yet to reveal itself.

Surf's up, ride it out. There are many more waves on the way. ;)

12:58 am on Oct 7, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Hey,

I like the above post. Although it can seem utterly impossible right now to think of... There are A LOT of women out there. Don't get yourself caught up on just one.

All the Best,

C.K.

2:02 am on Oct 7, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Anything I post (being both female and ancient) will sound condescending and "throw away".

So I'll simply say I sincerely hope that life will turn out the way that YOU want it to, and that happiness will be yours as soon as possible.

7:56 am on Oct 7, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Listen to 'the gambler':

"You got to know when to fold em', know when to hold em'....."

2:18 pm on Oct 7, 2004 (gmt 0)

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...then you can have a relationship with yourself.

Most people don't need a major dissociative disorder to manage that. ;)

2:44 pm on Oct 7, 2004 (gmt 0)

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When I broke up with an ex a few years ago, one of my friends said to me:

What doesn't kill you, will only make you bitter and twisted.

Whilst it was meant a a joke, he meant it to mean don't let the hurt of the breakup distract from the good times you shared.

6:04 pm on Oct 8, 2004 (gmt 0)

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Hey phidentity

It's been over a week since your first post. I was wondering how are things working out for you?

Although I maybe new to this forum, I'm old hat at working through problems in relationships.

Unless I missed something in another post, your girlfriend requested 2 weeks to sort things out... right?!

My Advice- Move on. Why would I say this? Because, more than likely she is confused about what(who?) she wants. And 2 weeks is just enough time to test her hypothesis. If after 2 weeks she chooses the experimental unit, then what will be, will be.
If after 2 weeks she chooses the control unit then what will be, will be.

In my humble opinion, the only real chance you have at having joy is to realize your self worth and redefine your future-perfect. Never be anyones safety net. Romantically speaking of course.

 

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