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The Google Search Accelerator

Developers required

     
8:37 pm on May 7, 2005 (gmt 0)

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Satrical Press Release from "See how you like it development":

Following on in the trend set by Google, we're announcing the start of development of a new product...

Google is the market leader in web search. Our non-extensive research suggests that One million man hours are wasted every day by searchers who do not use caching facilities when searching.

Our application will revolutionise the way you use Google. Are you wasting time accessing Google's search results directly when you could be utilising pre-fetching techniques to eliminate on-demand remote connections?

We are currently seeking tuned-in developers to help program this software.

General requirements
====================

Please do not apply if:

You have any experience of Internet standards, reccommendations or best practice. Unfortunately, we do not have time to train these out of you.

You do not have relevant qualifications. A phd in Pig Farming is ideal, a "Computeach diploma" in Word Processing would be good too.

Please do not insult our intelligence by trying to use your real-world experience in leiu of qualifications.

We require specialists:

Statisticians:

Our software will speed up Internet usage. Our PR department requires that users are told how much time they save. Our graphic desiners have come up with a great banner to be displayed at the top of our product:

"YOU HAVE SAVED xx HOURS BY USING OUR PRODUCT!"

Of course, it is technically impossible to accurately attain how much time is saved through caching. We require statisticians who can make up numbers from thin air. Ex-Enron accountants would be ideal. To apply, please pick a number and send it to us. the person with the highest number will be given a job.

Predictive Caching experts:

In order to optimise our application, we need people who can predict which terms users may be searching for.

If you have experience of random number generators and are capable of writing an application that can generate sequences of letters, please apply!

Public Relations expert:

You will be required to sit in front of a computer all day, chatting on forums, fishing for compliments. The ability to completely ignore any possible complaints is required. Our developers just can't be arsed to fix any bugs, best if they don't hear about them.

Canned-laughter supplier

We will of course be expecting one or two phone calls from Google as their servers are deluged with trillions of random requests. We are far to busy to answer the phones to laugh at them in person. We require high-tech automated equimpment to do it for us. Video-phone canned laughter that enables us to laugh in their faces would be a bonus.