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Friday Funnies

Groaners only

     
5:03 am on Dec 24, 2016 (gmt 0)

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Keep 'em clean!

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
5:22 am on Dec 24, 2016 (gmt 0)

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Two men walk into a bar, third man says "duck!"
6:42 am on Dec 24, 2016 (gmt 0)

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I loved the Johnny Carson character, Carnac the Magnificent. He would hold a sealed envelope to his head, give the answer, then open the envelope and read the question inside. From one of his skits:

Answer: Dippity Do

Question: What collects on your Dippity in the morning.

For those of you who don't know, Dippity Do was a well-advertised hair styling gel at the time. Yeah, I know, it's not funny if you have have to explain it.
9:59 am on Dec 24, 2016 (gmt 0)

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WARNING! There's a link going around that says download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track. Whatever you do don't click on it, it's actually a link to download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track.
1:32 pm on Dec 24, 2016 (gmt 0)

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
11:03 am on Dec 25, 2016 (gmt 0)

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Another Carnac the Magnificent:

Answer: Hickory Dickory Dock.

Question: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?