Apple Reveals Financial Bailout of California

Fiscally Troubled California Accepts Apple Crash Infusion

[incrediBILL]

Apple and the State of California jointly announced Thursday that Apple has agreed to use it's substantial financial reserve to bail out the fiscally troubled state of California which will be renamed Applefornia as part of the deal as well as other concessions, most have yet to be disclosed.

Apple Computer Inc, the world's largest corporation with an estimated $75 billion in cash which exceeds the current bank balance of the Federal Government, has finally decided what to do with all that surplus. announcing it publicly for the first time Thursday after the closing bell, as markets wouldn't be open on Good Friday. Apple held an unprecedented shareholders meeting and the new Apple investment plan which was put in motion by the late founder, marketing genius and visionary statesman Steve Jobs, that kept true to his wishes was under the utmost veil of secrecy until it was revealed publicly for the first time Thursday and was overwhelmingly approved by shareholders.

The Apple plan presented to the shareholders is a comprehensive financial aid package designed to reboot the stalled California economy, which has the 8th largest GDP (gross domestic product) in the world, yet hobbled by ineffective government leaving the state in dire financial straights. By giving California billions of dollars in bailout money over the next 10 years in order to stabilize their fiscal crisis Apple received significant considerations in return with a staggering 100% bipartisan approval by California's senate and legislature. Someone involved with the bailout legislation in Sacramento said "We're just glad someone stepped in and took over because quite frankly we're over our heads here and Apple's business acumen is sorely needed.". This deal is similar to major stadiums allowing themselves to be branded as the AT&T Park or HP Pavillion but the first time in history a major civic organization the size of the California Republic has ever allowed itself to be rebranded as part of a fiscal budget strategy.

An Apple spokesman said "Apple and California have a lot of synergy and we think the combination of Applefornia will help return this region to it's status as a world technology and economic leader for decades to come."

A government official close to the situation who did not want to be identified said "Major corporations making major contributions to civic projects isn't new but there has never been anything of this magnitude in history. Apple basically bought the State of California and the politicians are now taking all their walking orders directly from Cupertino so the tail is now wagging the dog."

Other concessions, besides changing the name of the state to Applefornia, is that a unspecified mountain in the high Sierra ski country visible from I-80 near Lake Tahoe will be renamed Mt. Applemore that will immortalize the faces of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak on the mountain and add a new attraction to the tourist industry. Local environmentalists were mortified and when they asked for an environmental impact study before proceeding were told by an Apple representative to "go pound sand, it's our mountain now". There will also be a pyramid larger than the Great Pyramid of Khufu built entirely out of Gorilla Glass(R) that will be adjacent to the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum in San Jose where Steve Jobs body will eventually moved and lie in state for Apple devotees can visit.

Californians, soon to be Applefornians, known to be major fans of Apple products that frequently camp out days or weeks in front of their technology outlets to be the first in line were jubilant at the news with massive crowds in the street holding up iPhones and iPads all chanting "ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" exuding levels of patriotic enthusiasm unmatched since the Revolutionary War.

When the news broke there was a flurry of activity in Mountain View at the Google campus where a panicked Android developer that wouldn't stop for an interview yelled "We're being airlifted to Seattle as it's just not safe around here anymore!" as he boarded the helicopter full of people wearing Android logo attire that quickly departed. The private jets of Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt, currently parked at nearby Moffet Field, were put into service giving free passage to any California-based Google employee feeling fearful and unsafe by the sudden change in political climate. Microsoft extended the olive branch offering sanctuary and temporary living quarters in Seattle and their Redmond site for any Google refugee.

Complete details of the Apple California bailout deal, rumored to be staggering in scope and scale, were supposedly going to be released later today in a historic press conference simulcast via a virtual presence from Cupertino and Sacramento. Steve Jobs will be making part of this presentation from a previously recorded message created before his untimely demise anticipating this great event and wanting to leave it as his greatest lasting legacy. The timing of this event so close to Easter has some of his critics making the obvious conclusions. The event is scheduled for 10:20 PST and will be streaming live for FaceTime users and available on iTunes for $1.99 ($2.99 for HD) in case you miss it live.

[Play_Bach]

Had me going for the first half of it, seemed plausible enough. 4/1 back to you. Thanks! :-)

[longen]

With Apple's financial might behind it California will now become a "on-shore" tax haven.

[albo]

iNapa?

[vik_c]

I believed you till I reached 'Applefornia' in the second line :)

[piatkow]

No if you had said iFornia ........

[incrediBILL]

Here's the rest of the Applefornia details from today's press conference:

To help boost the Applefornia economy all Apple manufacturing worldwide will be relocated back to Applefornia and a special immigration exemption has been granted to all Apple employees that employment is citizenship and they will be able to relocate to Applefornia en masse and will be initially required to reside in the new live/work barracks at the manufacturing sites being built around the state until they have worked off their 'relocation debt'. Rumors have it that all residents in the state may be 'drafted' to service for an unspecified length of time in Apple's manufacturing plants as part of residential requirements to be a citizen of the state but that rumor has not been substantiated at the time of this writing.

Additionally, Apple has already made huge strides to step up the California time table to be a completely self-sufficient renewable energy emission free and nuclear free zone by the year 2018. Preparing for this eventuality Apple lawyers have already covertly overturned the "California Desert Protection Act" in court recently and managed to keep it out of the news. Apple, as part of the Applefornia deal, made the single largest land purchase in the 21st centuy with the acquisition of the Mojave desert and have already broken ground on the world's largest solar energy plant code named iWatts. This iWatts power plant will be using ground breaking iCharge battery technology developed for their Apple products that can maintain power for the iWatts iGrid up to 5 days without sunlight during overcast and rainy seasons. When iWatts is fully operational in 2016 they plan to phase out all off shore drilling, refinery plants, gasoline stations, gas powered automobiles and nuclear generators. Berkeley residents were so overwhelmed with joy that many fainted upon hearing the news. massive amounts of injuries, and the local emergency services were slammed and unable to assist the vast numbers affected.

The sheer output capacity of iWatts 1.0 is estimated to be capable pf satisfying the energy needs of neighbor states Oregon, Nevada and Arizona, possibly more, so that we don't have to suffer with their "second hand smoke" created by traditional power generation plants. Some plans were even discussed where the current wind generators would possibly by turned into massive fans powered by iWatts to blow the filthy pollution drifting from Asia over Applefornia right back where it came from. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Apple insider said "We have a vision of the future, a clean organic state of Utopia and while we unfortunately had to step on the environmentalist toes to make this vision a reality, the fossil fuel industry can kiss our Applefornia butts". It's rumored that all electric iCars will be available by 2018 and Apple will directly offer unconditional financing so that all cars in the state can be replaced with emission free alternatives.

Just like when a new Apple product is released, upon hearing all this news hordes of Apple fans from around the globe are now lined up in what looks like refugee camps at the borders of Applefornia waiting in line to be processed and become an Applezen and if possible fulfill their lifelong dream to work in an Apple manufacturing plant so they can be part of servicing humanity. Sadly this process is going very slowly as the demands for RFID tracking chips has overloaded local vendors unexpectedly and Apple is unable to properly tag and identify their new citizen inventory.

[Leosghost]

itopia shiny distopian

[lucy24]

Reminds me of the All Things Considered news story from, er, quite a few years back. Don't remember the exact year, but the report was aired on this very date. Can't begin to imagine why I remember that detail. The US had found a way to solve its financial woes by selling the state of Arizona to Canada. The state governor,* interviewed for the report, was full of enthusiasm.

It seemed like a great idea all around, but the scheme must have fallen through, because I never heard any more about it after that day. :(


* Bruce Babbitt, who had been a primary presidential candidate that year. I did say it was a goodish while ago.

[rocker]

Applefornia also plans to change the name of Hollywood to Applewood and replace the famous Hollywood sign an Applewood sign.

[incrediBILL]

Don't forget all the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Dame will be replaced with Applewood stars like the original Mac team, the iPod, iPhone and o{ad team, etc. and the same people that camp out in front of Apple stores waiting for new products will set up a candle vigil at the APplewood Walk of Dame.

[rocker]

Keeping the tradition of naming cities using San in front of spanish name like San Francisco, San Diego and San Jose the new capital of Applefornia will be named San Esteban (Saint Steven)

[lucy24]

:: shuffling papers ::

Lotsa Stephens, but "the" St Stephen is the patron saint of stonemasons, coffin makers (really) and assorted other groups. But we may prefer St Eligius-- San Eloy in Spanish-- patron of computer scientists. At least according to saints dot spqn dot com. I have no idea whether this is a reliable source; it was the easiest lookup.

:: waiting to see who blinks first ::

[incrediBILL]

Um, I think the implication was Steve Jobs was the actual Saint here and many already believe he was from the first time they laid hands on an iPhone. I've been told by the true believers that the experience is close to a religious epiphany without the accoutrements of little wafers and sip of wine.

They might as well start the beatification and canonization process (that's canonization NOT canonicalization you SEO nerds!) because he did perform miracles from the first Apple sold by managing to sell inferior hardware at superior prices and his legacy still lives on with the iTV announcement on the news today with a 60" TV going for $2500 which is easily twice the price for a comparable units sold by other vendors with wifi and apps. Instead of USB and HDMI they'll probably use Firewire for both, and it'll probably be implemented with Woz's original disk controller circuit, and have some video controller still using the original Apple II cards being recycled for SD view so it's Eco-friendly.

The Brits will likely get in a snit over iTV because ITV the name of an actual TV company in the UK which anyone that watched Space 1999 would surely know. Unless Apple has a deal in place they'll probably go the usual route take by corporations of their size and of damn the trademark and patent, full steam ahead and ask for forgiveness (massive legal settlement) later.

My full Applefornia dissertation with many extras is on iTunes for $0.99 as a podcast with full text transcription.

[rocker]

Um, I think the implication was Steve Jobs was the actual Saint here...

You are correct, I thought everyone would catch that one :)

[lucy24]

You lose.

:: snrk ::