Dear Mr Email Spammer.

In the interests of improved targeting ...

[Woz]

To whom it may concern,

I have been receiving a number of emails lately with, it would seem, the objective of keeping me appraised of the availability of certain goods and services that may be of interest to me. However, of late the targeting seems to be a little off. So, in the interests of reducing waste, I offer the following market research to enable you to send me only those products/service in which I will be interested.

I only read English so there is no use in sending me messages in any other language, real or imaginary. Gibberish will be ignored.

"Customer Alert!" - What?!? Oh, thanks. Just as well, I had almost lulled myself into a false sense of security.

"Bling Bling" is not a good imitation of a Telephone ringing.

You might be lonely tonight and want to talk, but I am not and don't. Besides, I'm busy, so please look elsewhere for a companion.

All my body parts are of the correct size thank you, improvements/enhancements/reductions are neither necessary nor required as I am not looking to gain, lose, or modify any of the aforementioned body parts anytime in the foreseeable future.

I'm not anxious, I sleep well, I don't need any magical transformations or miracles and I'm already blessed with happiness.

All in all, I'm quite OK, my friends like me just the way I am and I have no wish to create any envy amongst them.

Please be more careful with your medical advice. I'm not so sure that melting fat is a safe way to lose weight. Sounds like the burns and scars would be a high price to pay indeed.

I don't need a bride, Russian or otherwise, as my lady and I are getting on quite well thank you. I feed her in the morning after which she checks her grooming before spending the rest of the day snoozing with one eye open and jaws at the ready. You never know when "catch of the day" might wander too close.

I already have two degrees, and I earned them the old fashioned way by studying hard. If I want another one then I'll be happy to do it the old fashioned way as well.

I have enough shoes thank you, and there are many shoe stores within but a few minutes walk. I don't use handbags, plain or designer. I have enough watches to tell the time and enough pens to write it down should I need to. (Oh, and a friendly Heads Up - It's Chanel, not Channel.)

I have a house, don't need another one, don't need a mortgage, and the credit rating needs no help.

I'm not looking for a job, and I certainly wouldn't work for anyone unwilling to reveal their true identity.

I have enough software and hardware, both computer related and not, further investments in those areas are unnecessary regardless of the potential savings being offered.

Life itself is but one big gamble, no need to add in any further complications at a Casino. Besides, I prefer my chips hot, wrapped in newspaper and sprinkled with salt and vinegar.

If you are looking to donate untold millions of dollars to charity and only have a short time to live, then please stop wasting time telling me about it. Get up of your backside and organise it yourself before your time runs out.

And for goodness sake, learn how to speel more gooderer will you?!?!?! Sheesh!

Finally, messages being sent to [insert random name][insert random spatial adjective][insert random body part] are being delivered to the wrong person - Me! I don't know who [insert random name] is so I am returning all messages for further investigation.

Hoping this helps,

Onya
Woz

PS., details given above may or may not be accurate and may contain traces of a nut.

;)

[clearvision]

Too funny! I read each one thinking, "Oh Yeah...I just deleted one of those, and one of those, and one of those.

Just makes you wonder how much play spammers get off of emails like that.

Thanks!

[jdMorgan]

AND PLEASE HIT YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY UNTIL THE "CAPS LOCK" LIGHT ON YOUR KEYBOARD GOES OFF BEFore sending me any more e-mail about lotteries I've won or large fortunes I stand to inherit.

yes, that's the one -- it appears to have worked. thank you.

Jim

[vincevincevince]

Why would an email spammer want to improve targetting?

[Habtom]

I admire spammers who include 'customer testimonials' in their spam emails: "Sharon said my newfound size was like . . . "

[pageoneresults]

Woz, you make it sound as though there are humans behind those emails?

[Woz]

Tis true P1R, and I know so 'cos the Tooth Fairy told me. Or was it the Easter Bunny? Hmmm, not sure now, but either way it came from a very reliable sauce. ;)

Onya
Woz

[walrus]

Great post Woz!

<Sharon said my newfound size was like . . .>

LOL...certainly seen enough of those.

[Green_Grass]

I cannot rememeber a longer post by WOZ in recent times, than this latest one ;-)

Really long and detailed. Thanks.

So, I gather SPAM and the Nature of it, is universal. Great way to bond across diverse cultures and countries.

(So it does have some use........)

[Habtom]

1.39 million spam was sent each second in 2007.

120 billion/day

Numbers: Spam Increases 100 Percent, Gets 'Dirty' in 2007 [www2.csoonline.com]

[edited by: Habtom at 5:26 am (utc) on Jan. 22, 2008]

[King_Fisher]

By the way I dont have a unknown relative who recently died in an airline crash in Nigeria. If I did have such a relative I am sure he would poverty stricken like the rest of this family and wouldn't be able to leave me anything but some of his personal debt which I already have enough of!...KF

[Habtom]

Btw, do you know anyone who fell into any kind of spam trap?

I know a guy who 'won a lottery' exchanged emails just to find out he needed to pay 750 USD for the amount he won to be transfered to his account. :) How about paying the necessary expenses from the money he just won?

Do you know anyone who fell into a spam trap?

[edited by: Habtom at 9:34 am (utc) on Jan. 22, 2008]

[BeeDeeDubbleU]

Woz this is great! Can you tell me who I should send it to?

[Habtom]

to catchall @ unitedspammers . com

[ytswy]

Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful #*$!-Enlargement Lobby [theonion.com]

"The entire #*$!-enlargement industry is threatened by this bill," Garner said. "Despite what most people think, not all #*$!-pill and #*$!-pump makers are big and wealthy. There are many self-starting entrepreneurs who play a vital role in keeping the industry competitive. This bill would drive them out of the marketplace, leaving only the large multinationals like the Dong Group."

[blend27]

We are also not interested in an ongoing process to increase the link popularity of our client's websites, since we are not looking for high quality sites to exchange links with to increase Google PR.

Oh, and my company logo is just fine, we just had it redone by people from the other continent.

We are also not interested in great commercial property deals in lower Manhattan since we are a whole State away.

[walrus]

The entire #*$!-enlargement industry is threatened by this bill...

The pen is mightier than the sword.

[Miamacs]

Ah... finally.
*sets bookmark*

Also, dear [xyz] while I know it's fun to invest in the pyramid game of buying and selling the SAME spamming *cough* I mean 'marketing' software using its own features if you really have to get rich from the program at least try to fill in those brackets where it said [good topic] and [generic message]...

...

You know... so that you wouldn't seem THIS stupid?

*grin*

[Rugles]

I prefer my chips hot, wrapped in newspaper and sprinkled with salt and vinegar.

the Americans on the board are thinking ... "huh? vinegar on french fries?"