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Lawyer Jokes

For Some Reason Always Funny!

     
3:39 am on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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I don't know whether I can get this pass the Lawman or not,
Lawyers play an important part in our litigious society today. They and the courts are the referees that keep anarchy at bay. God bless them!

That being said they are fertile ground for humor. If you have a good one post it here, No snide or demeaning jokes allowed, no off color either.

My favorite; Two Irishmen after a long night at the pub were walking home.
they decided to take a shortcut through the local grave yard.

As they were walking through they were reading the inscriptions on the grave stones. They spied one which read " Here lies an Lawyer and a honest man"
Pat turns to Mike and says " Look at that will ya, two men buried in the same
grave!"

Your turn...KF

3:55 am on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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A volunteer for a local charity stops a lawyer on the street and asks for a donation. After glancing at his watch, the lawyer gladly handed the charity a hefty sum of cash.

The next day, the charity got a letter. Consultation charges and a cash advance on account.

8:27 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professonal courtesy.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

8:43 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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"The trouble with lawyer jokes is: Lawyers don't think they are funny, and other people don't think they are jokes!"

Unattributed.

9:00 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

Favorite lawyer vanity plates:
- I SUE
- SUE ALL
- SUE4FUD
10:22 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Sue Grabbit and Runne - Lawyers to Private Eye magazine.
10:26 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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And this ones for ........

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!"

10:46 pm on Aug 6, 2007 (gmt 0)

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>>"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined.

Couldn't have been BMW owner. He'd know the difference between a "Bimmer" and a "Beemer".

12:54 am on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Sue Innocent and Bill Overly, Attorneys at Law
1:04 am on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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The best name for a law firm is that from the Tappet Brothers Car Talk
radio show.

Their legal firm is; Dewey, Cheatham & Howe....KF

2:46 am on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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from the Tappet Brothers Car Talk show . . .

I want references, I remember that one from Johnny Carson. :-) From the J.C. archives also comes,

"It's so cold in L.A. today [HOW COLD WAS IT], lawyers were walking around with their hands in their OWN pockets!"

4:34 am on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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RB
I heard it while driving down the Slauson Cut Off!...KF

I guess they both used it!

A bad joke is an orphan, a good joke has a thousand mothers!

1:43 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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There's a lawyer in Nottingham UK called 'Rupert Bear'.
1:50 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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JudgeJeffries

Are you a real judge?

Whay is there not much jokes about Judges, poor lawyers - care to give them a break :)

2:27 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
2:32 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Criminal Lawyer? a Semantic Pleonasm.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt lawyer and a pigeon? A: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4:33 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Anyone have any lawyer jokes that aren't 20 years old (or older)? With about 30 seconds of G research I found some I hadn't heard before and I thought I heard them all.
4:45 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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>>I found some I hadn't heard before

Don't hold back, lawman, go ahead and share! :)

5:39 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Sorry Roger, I don't do lawyer jokes. But if were going to tell an old one, it'd probably go something like this:

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.

-- John Adams, in the play "1776"

A newer on might go something like this:

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What d'ya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?

6:36 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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Habtom - No not a Judge.
Judge George Jeffreys was a famous English lawyer nicknamed 'The Hanging Judge' who became Lord Chancellor of England under King Charles II.
7:07 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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The only lawyer joke I know is Un PC in the extreme, so Id better not speak(for once)
8:17 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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A man was sitting in his car stopped at a red light when suddenly he was hit from behind by another car.

The person in the other car approached the man and asked him if he was hurt. The man replied "how would I know i'm a doctor not a lawyer"

9:41 pm on Aug 7, 2007 (gmt 0)

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

2:54 pm on Aug 8, 2007 (gmt 0)

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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

I worked with an Irish chap whose surname was Mee. His sister, a solicitor, was called Sue!

Santa, together with a poor lawyer and an elf are walking down the road. One of them spots some money on the floor - who picks it up?

Why, Santa, of course. The other two are figments of your imagination!

Syzygy

8:12 pm on Aug 8, 2007 (gmt 0)

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What's the difference between a dead lawyer and roadkill?

The skid marks...

8:58 pm on Aug 8, 2007 (gmt 0)

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What's the difference between a dead lawyer and roadkill?
The skid marks...
... in front of the roadkill.(For those who didn't get it the first time.)

[edited by: LifeinAsia at 8:58 pm (utc) on Aug. 8, 2007]

12:01 pm on Aug 16, 2007 (gmt 0)

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I worked with an Irish chap whose surname was Mee. His sister, a solicitor, was called Sue!

Santa, together with a poor lawyer and an elf are walking down the road. One of them spots some money on the floor - who picks it up?

Why, Santa, of course. The other two are figments of your imagination!

Good one, mate!

 

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