The email I would have liked to send.

Stupid customers.

[jecasc]

On 23d of December we received an order. Customers email address:

[e-mail]

We shipped it the same day. Today I received the following email from

[e-mail].

(I changed the text of the email so it can't be recognised, the content is the same)

Hi, I ordererd on your website on Dec. 23d. I haven't received the goods or any information why the products were not shipped. I also can't log into my account on your website with my email address. It say there is no such account. This is not true. If I do not receive an answer immediately I'll report this to Paypal as money fraud.

Here the email I wrote but didn't send,:

Dear Mr Doe,

thank you very much for your email. You are right, you were defrauded. Haha. Years of preparation have finally payed of and have culminated in this masterpiece which let's Professor Moriarty look like an amateur compared to me. Years ago I started the preparations, setting up a website, filling it with hundreds of products, hiring staff to fulfill orders, collecting hundreds of positive reviews and not a single negative. All in preparation for this very moment. I tricked you into ordering from our website, I took your money and now I have retired to the Bahamas with the 34 EUR I took from you. You will never see your money again. Muahahahahah. On the other hand - maybe not. Maybe you are to stupid to type in a correct email address. Maybe the products haven't arrived because it was christmas and because of the white powdery thingy called snow in front of your door. Why didn't you check the tracking information we provided in your customer account and in our email? Oh I forgot, you were to dumb to spell your email address and couldn't log in and did not receive our email. Sorry. I apologize for the inconvinience. This must somehow be our fault. [Insert graphic reference which involves beginning a relation of sexual nature with yourself]

Best regards,

Now I feel better


Feel free to submit your most stupid or absurd encounters with customers this year below. Maybe we can even pick the most stupid customer from 2010.

[philbish]

Yea I get the occasional email typo problem too.

Been thinking about following up by phone with every customer, reaching out with a friendly and helpful tone, thanking them for their order, reminding them when it will ship, when its expected to be delivered, and assuring them we are at their service. And maybe even calling once its been delivered to see that all's good.

[jecasc]

Been thinking about following up by phone with every customer, reaching out with a friendly and helpful tone, thanking them for their order, reminding them when it will ship, when its expected to be delivered, and assuring them we are at their service. And maybe even calling once its been delivered to see that all's good.

Hahaha, good one. Made my day. For a moment I thought you were serious.

[Green_Grass]

Easy availability of email i.d.s leads to this problem. Whenever we face such a problem, we pick up the phone. A polite reminder to check their registered email id. and to look in the SPAM folder ( also) normally is very helpful.

[RhinoFish]

sometimes i think we should develop a database of blacklisted consumers...

[philbish]

Another story to entertain ya:
--


Customer claimed we sent them the wrong thing, and said it came by USPS in a white box. We shipped by UPS in a brown box. We've got video and photo footage of every order being packed. I sent them the video clip of their order being scanned by our barcode system and going out in a brown UPS box. I told them it is impossible that we sent the wrong thing and that they must be confusing us with another merchant they bought something from. They later apologized. Haha but...

"I received your email claiming it was the correct color. Your email and video does not prove anything sir. I specifically asked for yellow when I spoke to her. I told her they where for a NBA players car. I also told here we are south Florida largest highly respected customizing shop . I was hoping of doing much more business with you but after your statement of knowing for fact you shipped the item correct makes my company feel like we are trying to take advantage and get a free product or a discount. Maybe we are the ones to be compensated for wasting the nba players time and my crew for getting the car prepped on the lift. One more thing, your color red did not work as well and 1 tube had a small crack! Very very disappointed in the way you handle your customer care and quality of your product."

[rocknbil]

Sooo many . . . .

"I've ordered from you before and it was fine . . ."

<no record of this person, or even anyone from this area>

"I order it from you three weeks ago, WHERE IS IT?"

<no record of the order anywhere, call them . . . and they ordered it from someone else>

"Our house numbers are obscure, if we're not home leave it behind the fence on the right of the house" <and . . . we have actually marked this on the outside of the packages, likely to the delight of the postal carriers . . . >

"WHAT THE HELL! I thought I was getting a glass top side table for my hallway and I get a 14" tall knick knack shelf, FRAUD!" <What part of "product dimensions" was obscure, the 6" X 14" x 18" part or the $39 price?>

"Do this, do that, or I will give you bad feedback." <Ecommerce site with no affiliation to FleaBay or payPal>

I could go on but yeah, HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! :-)

[ssgumby]

"you sent me the wrong product, I ordered foo but you sent bar" ... we reply with "no sir, here is your invoice, you ordered foo and thats what we sent". His reply is "you should know I am unable to use foo and even though I ordered that your staff should be intelligent enough to know I needed bar" ... umm huh? How in the hell can our staff know what you INTENDED as opposed to what you DID.

[HRoth]

My customers are mostly really nice. Biggest wacko lately was a woman who filed a chargeback against a supposedly unauthorized charge she claimed was made by her daughter-in-law who in turn had just been murdered by her son. The order was delivered to the cardholder's billing address, but I still lost the chargeback. You cannot make this stuff up. I actually wrote something pretty fiery to the bank in question, since I knew that the cardholder would see it. May she roast on a slow-turning spit, her and her slug of a son.

[votrechien]

lol.

It's my biggest pet peeve when people start threatening when they're dealing with a site that is clearly reputable.

[dickbaker]

OK, I'll give it a go.

I should have recognized this customer as a flake when he called the first time. He was looking for one model of of a very specialized type of widget, an XYZ-1 model I didn't have in stock. Since I didn't have it in stock, he decided to buy an XYZ-2 model. Now, if I'm spending $1400 on something, I buy what I have in mind, not what's available.

He got the XYZ-2, but realized that the XYZ-3 had more features, and he obviously wanted more features because he wanted to outshine his buddies, so he accused me of not fully explaining the differences between all of the models. I checked my phone logs and saw that I'd had two conversations with him on 12/12 (my birthday), one at 10:17 am and another at 5:15 pm. Both were about 15-20 minutes. I distinctly remember explaining the all of the differences between the different models, to the point of nearly boring him to death.

I had him send the XYZ-2 back for an exchange, but did charge him 2.5% for restocking, which is half of what I usually charge. Still, he was mad that he had to pay the 2.5% plus shipping costs for the XYZ-3.

I sent it to him UPS, and it was supposed to arrive late last week. UPS "rescheduled" delivery to yesterday. The guy called me on Thursday, Friday and Monday wondering where his XYZ-3 was. I told him UPS had "rescheduled" delivery. He got mad and said he'd worked for UPS for several years and they were always on time. He was implying that I was lying.

When he called today to complain about the XYZ-3, I didn't wait for his reason. I just told him to send it back to the address on the box, and that I would refund his $1400 when the widget arrived.

After our telephone conversation about the features I supposedly failed to tell him about, I emailed him and politely laid out the facts about our phone conversation, and about the costs of returns and exchanges. Apparently that didn't satisfy him.

Right now I'd like to send him an email telling him to do something physically impossible, but I won't. Instead I'll just rest easy knowing that some other retailer will have to deal with him, and I won't.

[RhinoFish]

and he should be on that blacklist...
:-)

[fabulousyarn]

I really like the first post. Why on earth would I try and ssend you something you don't want, don't like and won't pay for. It's just nonsensical. AND I have so many of these customers. My especially favorite one is the 'disabled, unemployed, etc' emai. And, non-english speaking. And in Canada.

An example - I'll call her geri. She can't type. SHe can't spell. SHe can't speak english very well - but she logs on repeatedly to chat, spends hours trying to decide what to buy, and then places HUGE orders. Which she then cancels. Only to repeat the cycle. Plus, she is disabled, and lives alone, and cannot wind the widget, so we have to wind it for her. But, she wants to be able to return it if she doesnt like it. On her last order, not only did we send her the yarn, then resend her some, then send it again (because of course she changed her mind about colors) we also contacted a sister yarn shop in canada and arranged for someone to WIND THE YARN for her. Who ended up being stuck at her house for over two hours listening to her complain about yes - us, the people who arranged her home visit. Honestly, if it wasnt so sad, I'd kill her.

We get them all the time - the people with a two dollar backordered item threatenign to blast badk reviews all over the internet (why we don't do yelp), the people who type in the wrong email so they get none of our messages or shipping notifications, the people who claim never to have received their item, but won't have anything to do with their post office in order to track it down.

We smile and say, of course, I'm so sorry, shall we......

Over half stumble and apologize, but it doesnt work - the all caps message already nailed us.

Anyhow, I really like the first post - the idea that we spend all of our lives meainng to hoodwink somoone out of 20 bucks...har har....

[CPC_Andrew]

Made my day reading these.

[fabulousyarn]

Wait, wait - one more - the one who bought the yarn, and expensive knitting needles and then claimed the yarn 'bled' (which it did) sent back both the yarn and a set of needles that we don't sell (we had already reshipped new needles) and a receipt for drycleaning AND A MANICURE.

[dickbaker]

..drycleaning AND A MANICURE.

Well, obviously your yarn bled all over her designer suit, and she broke a nail using your cheap needles. ;)

[fabulousyarn]

Ya gotta love it. SHe has, however, spent over a thousand dollars since then on other products, so.....(we sent her a gift certificate for use at the store to make up for the suit and the nails)....j