Forum Moderators: phranque
... ... ...
I've failed. Failed in making money on the only thing I really know something about. I'm talking about the WWW and $$$, of course.
I'm now 20 years old. I've wasted basically my entire "teen" years reading, learning and producing Web related stuff without any kind of appreciation, encouragement or other logical reasons other than curiosity and creativity. As so many others. I've made a lot of personal projects that nobody but me, or just a few, have seen, or will ever see. As so many others.
In the beginning, it was a world of magic, where I was still living under the false dream that there was a free host out there somewhere that would stay up forever and never put any advertisements on your pages. I was designing with tables and spacer GIFs. I wrapped tables to produce a border that Netscape 4.x would understand. I didn't know what bandwidth was. I thought that "FTP" sounded exotic and that FreeBSD was some kind of CMS. I thought that MS Personal Web Server (PWS) was great... I... alright. You get my point.
I learned about CSS, separating styling from structure, started understanding more about Apache, Unix, mod_rewrite, PHP, regular expressions, databases/SQL, and just generally how the Web (and computers) works. I realize that I did all this when "cyberspace" was more than common, and not in the days of the "wild" World Wide Web, but it still feels that I've done and evolved a lot. I, of course, blame my parents for not being able to start earlier. They were tech-haters.
Pretty recently, I've made a number of different sites with my "good" knowledge, all validating and using all kinds of good practices. MSIE has been more of a pain in the ass than ever (I actually favored it back in the days of crap code, and bashed Netscape for doing things "incorrectly"). They have all taken way too long to develop each, and all because of one thing: I'm a perfectionist. Or I was. Or I am, but I slowly realized that nothing can be "perfect", unless you get to control everything yourself. So I force myself to release stuff.
You see... I'm a game programmer at heart. I don't really wanna do this. But, I realize that the kind of games I made, and want to make in the future, would be completely impossible to sell and live of. So I have tried to make a profit of the only thing I really know something about -- the Web. And, as I began this thread by saying, I have failed. Big time.
Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I want to really make sure that you understand my situation. I've graduated from high school. I hardly remember going there, though. It's a fog of bad memories. It was full of, in my opinion, very hard and annoying tests and homework (mostly in physics and math), and as time passed, I started socialize less and less with my friends. In the end, we had basically grown apart (even though I always considered myself as an outsider). I'm not a team player, and I love getting things done "right". Working on my personal projects (always in pluralism) have been the #1 priority (and #1 stress cause) for me since the age of ~12.
I'm writing this post and publishing it here just because I know that if I make it a blog entry, it might not stay there for long. I hate myself for being this "volatile", but I can't keep satisfied with anything I do. At least if it's Web related. There's something special about the Web. Most likely, it's the fact that you don't get to control exactly what is shown on the user's screen. That's precisely the case with game programming. You get, for example, a 320 x 240 pixel frame, and you get to paint it with pixels exactly the way you want. It's art. On the Web, the user can turn off styling, images (or both), zoom, change font sizes, the style of the fonts (GOD I hate the "standard" "Web fonts"), etc... You get my point? Good. (Of course, we have the issue of incorrect gamma settings of the users' computer screens and things like that with software/games too, but that's a problem of much less importance.)
So... I've failed. I thought I was smart enough to SEO my way to success, but, judging my my daily AdSense and affiliate program average incomes, I'm not after all. I make $2-4/day, and that's just barely covering my hosting costs. This makes me wanna scream and cry out loud.
My philosophy is that a site should not contain anything unnecessary. For example, a "login" form should have its own section, and should not be output on every page. All Web pages must validate and be written with good practice in mind for me to "accept" them as "real" ones. Of course, very few Web sties on the Web fulfil these requirements of mine. I guess that makes me feel special. Even my porn site(s) validate. I take great pride in doing things right.
But WHO REALLY CARES? As I can see it, next to nobody. A few elitistic geeks like myself appreciate it, and perhaps blind/disabled people (although I don't see how they even would bother finding my sites in the ocean of crap out there). I do all these insane extra work for nothing. While people make tons of cash with their auto-generated Web sites using WYSIWYG editors and/or SEO generators, I go through every byte in my CSS and PHP (outputting HTML 4.01 Strict) files fanatically, several times. For what? Nobody gives a #*$! anyway.
If it weren't for MSIE, and the fact that both HTML and CSS are rather poorly designed languages from the beginning, I wouldn't mind at all. I love writing things by hand and having 100% control over it... it's just that I don't.
"Where the hell is this thread going?" you might think. I don't know. I'm seriously just writing what's on my mind. And there's a lot of sad and depressing things on my mind at the moment.
So... where was I? Oh. Education. Well... after high school, around one year ago, I joined a local college, very close to that high school. In other words, I didn't "move out" to a "campus" or whatever they call it. It sucked. That's the best word I can use to describe it. Naturally, it was nothing like in those American movies. I quit after one course (one month). This made my mum go nuts and she forced me to get a job. So I eventually got a really crappy job at a local low-price store. I tell you... I just can't fake being happy to customers. It lasted for a week.
Since, I've tried extra hard with my projects. In last year of high school, I was working on an auctions Web site on an off, but after eBay's invasion of Sweden, I had two extremely powerful enemies to fight, and I had to give that idea up. It turned into a "classifieds" site instead, but then I realized that in tiny Sweden, there's AT LEAST 14 (!) different ones that are big and established and that can afford advertising. One even has been bought up by Sweden's largest newspaper and has TV ads and a printed (physical) version... Do I need to tell you that they all are bad UI-wise and that none of them validate, are full of bull#*$! and generally are worse than my own? Good.
You seem to either need money to make more money, or a lot of luck. I have neither. Do I complain a lot? Come on... be original. I'm just saying how it is, OK?
I'm not gonna waste time by telling you about my other projects, because, frankly, when I look at them now, they feel more like advanced tests of my skills, rather than functioning, stable Web sites. And as always, I constantly make little changes to them to "perfect" them, although they never get anywhere close to my mental image.
The bottom point is that I don't make money. I lose money if anything. Now, when I have seriously woken up from my "mental coma", I realize that my life looks a bit different now from when I entered this... phase. I should get my own place to live, a girlfriend (good luck with that...), maybe travel to some of the places I've always wanted to go to (NY, Las Vegas, USA in general, Tokyo)... All of these require money. So I'm stuck in an evil circle. In order to be happy, I need money. Seriously. If I'm not happy, or at least happIER than I am now, I won't have the energy to continue trying to make a living. What the hell happens then?
Still, I have many unfinished game projects to take care of (and a whole bunch of new ones), and at least one programming book to read that has been neglected for so long. I haven't really changed (that's a good thing IMO), but my outlook is different. I need a stable income somehow, and as I see it, the Internet and more precisely AdSense is the only way to go for me, in my situation and my life. I just need to figure out HOW EXACTLY I'm gonna make the big bucks with people like you around (take that as a compliment!).
The worst part of all this cynicism is that I can't really take your suggestions seriously. I'd think that you want to see me fail so that your positions stand untouched. Who in their right mind would give a way a suggestion about SEO or generally in a competive business market if that's negative for the person giving this advice?
I realize that SEO is more than pressing a magic button. Believe me. I'd like to think that I understand the Web and search engines, and yet... well... I tend to say that I don't have resources enough, but I know deep inside that that's not the entire truth in all cases. However, pretty much every damn combination of words in a .com domain name are taken, and often, they aren't even used for re-directing to some rich persons' site(s), but is just occupied, unused, for no reason! That really pisses me off.
This thread is getting way too long now, but perhaps that'll make only those who might be able to come with some kind of constructive suggestion reply. I don't know. I frankly don't get people anymore. Not like I ever did.
Just a little more random blabbering: I have a site, with an actual good domain (.se). Despite it having the exact string as the domain name, the string AND domain AND variations mentioned in the title, the h1, and elsewhere on every page, it ranks #2 for a search on this very term. The #1 is not even remotely similar. This pisses me off greatly. (This only happens in Google -- in MSN Search, it's #1.)
To all of you who haven't been over what I have experienced: think twice before you think that you can beat the established sites, no matter how crappy they are (and no matter how good your own stuff is), and/or the ones with the bags of money with dollar signs on them. You may not stand a chance. I didn't, even though I did my very best.
I don't know what to do, really. I really believe(d) in this. I'm not one of those who expect money to come easy, but I have really put my soul in this. That's what makes this whole thing so sad.
It's not fair. I knew that life isn't fair, but what the hell? At least this thing could've come my way. Do I sound depressed? Frustrated? Desperate? Mad? You bet I am.
... ... ...
It'll be very interesting reading your replies.
BTW is it just me or was the consumption of lysergic acid derivatives particularly contributory to ones taking to coding like a chocolate fish to the cosmos?
Or maybe it was just all those artschool parties
ha... no, it isn't just you. Key apps for early apple were written with that background, one particularly legendary one was entirely composed/designed I believe in an apple orchard, interview with I think Jobs saw him pining because he feels like a fish out of water in the corporate world... in case you were wondering why the apple gui always strives for that certain liquidy feeling... guy just wrote a book about this question re earlier silicon valley days. Something about having poked around a larger picture I think, makes things like a program fairly trivial... And now back to our regularly scheduled broadcasting.
To the original poster, you're only 20 years old, what's with the melodrama, c'mon, don't take this stuff so seriously, go out and get drunk with some friends, or better, yet, take leosghos't advice.
[edited by: jatar_k at 4:17 pm (utc) on Sep. 19, 2005]
I'm sorry to hear you feel that way.
Well... for me, that is. I don't doubt that there are people who might get helped by it.
I understand the perfectionism thing (I was quite the perfectionist with my aforementioned craft). I think perfectionism can be good, because it drives you to push yourself further, gives you the energy and ambition to be better than average. That's a good thing.
When I was about your age I remember feeling so unhappy about some aspects of my life and quite dissatisfied. What I could do wasn't good enough. And nobody seemed to care, anyway. Then some years later I had a patch in my life where (for other reasons) I was really down. Couldn't seem to get it together. Couldn't even do my craft—the one I loved so much—at all. Finally, when I got to feeling better and was doing the craft again, it hit me. I was lucky that I had gotten as far as I had with that craft, and I could do far more with it than most people could ever boast. Why was I being so hard on myself? Some people have a little smidgen of something that they can do well—that they feel such drive and passion about. To most people's eyes, I was someone who could had accomplished something significant. I certainly was not a failure or a loser. And yet I was beating myself up over the 10% (just a made-up number) of stuff that I couldn't do. It was madness.
I don't know if this will make sense to you know, but I think it will in a few years. You just need some time to smooth out the edges of your life a little. While perfectionism is a worthy goal, sometimes you've got to lighten up a little. Sometimes, your idea of "perfect" isn't what someone else's is. They see value in things you do not. Relax. Don't be so hard on yourself. GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
I understand where you're coming from. You try your best, you try to do a perfect job, and yet it seems like the rewards are lukewarm. On the other hand seems like those who do a slap-dash job are often rewarded. (Oh boy, have I see a lot of that.) Trust me on this one—I've been there. Things will smooth out. You'll find your niche. Those who do half-ass jobs or are lazy and sloppy in their work don't get too far for long.
Just relax a little about it, okay? You're far too young and too hard-working to be a failure.
Here's the thing: The days of the bedroom coder are not gone. Microsoft are relaunching XBox Live with the XBox 360, and they're specifically targeting quick hit games that don't require a team of 50 and a five year gestation period.
Jeff Minter's on board ('80s code hero, and as individual as they get), so are PomPom (a two man team who've already put out Space Tripper and Mutant Storm on the PC) and many more.
Add to that the many other small codeshops who publish their own stuff on the web, and don't need to pander to narrow-minded publishers.
On a larger scale, games like Vib Ribbon and Animal Crossing have proved that you can have success with games well outside the mainstream.
Even if you do stick with the web, don't give up on your dreams.
You seem convinced that there's no market for the kind of games you want to write. Why?
Well... my kind of games are very... oldschool and simple. For years, I was fascinated about the Battle Mode in Super Mario Kart (SNES), and made games where you faught each other on a single screen with either tanks, cars or as humans walking.
I'm definitely going to make a new game like that as soon as I can get back to doing it, but in year 2005, it's definitely going to be networked and so on. When I was little, I had no Internet contacts (or Internet connection!), no books, very few inspirations, no knowledge/skills, and very limited hardware for the time (I was stuck with 16 colors and no sound/CD-ROM in a year I'm ashamed to tell you). I did my very best, though, just as I am today.
(Some other "small" action-oriented games that I find really nice are Scorched Earth, Worms and Liero.)
About making games for the Xbox 360... Well... I haven't even had time to develop for Xbox (homebrew)! I told myself to develop for both Xbox and PSP, but I'm still stuck trying to make a living. I can see some very tasty and advanced 2D games being made for these monsters...
(Did somebody change the thread title? :-S)
get out or you'll be writing his same post 20 years from now. Enough of the SEO, SERPS, WWW, HTML, CSS .................
Do you tell poor people to stop being poor too? And gay people to stop being gay? And non-christian people to... You probably get my point.
Would I do something I don't like to do if I had a choice?
This is really good advice, it's worth thinking about. Sitting in front of a computer all day is not good for you.
>>Would I do something I don't like to do if I had a choice?
That reponse screams to me that you should seek some counseling. It can't hurt.
These things are virtual, if you forget that you're in trouble as far as I'm concerned. This is especially important if you've been using these things heavily during your teens.
Not everyone's life is like in the movies, you know.
Now, if you excuse me, I have companies to be ignored by (awaiting replies to technical questions that prevent me from releasing a couple of sites). Sigh.
Kim.. you are only 20 years old. You have at least 50 years to go in your life. If this posting was done by somebody in their 40's or 50's I could see how you could get trapped into a situation and not get out, what with mortages, kids etc. That's the drag with being older. You are not older, but are trying to act like you are. Why? What's your hurry?
If you hate your situation and falsely believe you can't change it at 20 years old, what do you think will happen as you get older if you keep following that line of thinking and self deception? It's not a pretty picture if you ask me.
