We're pleased to introduce a new feature to the AdWords system - Google Total Business Management. Google engineers (in their 20 hours of personal project time) have developed an automated system of total business management which will relieve AdWords advertisers of the daily grind of business management, decision making and all other business activity.
Our system will determine, based on system wide conversion analysis coupled with the business owner's "Google Personal Intelligence Rank (tm)", each advertiser's chances of success in marketplace. Google will then use this information to take over all decision making and the operation of your business.
Google feels that the failure rate of the online marketplace is solely due to the interference of human intelligence - the ridiculous notion that any human business owner could possibly know their product, customers or advertising goals better than our machine! Google, an engineering company, operates under the philosophy that our 'algorithm knows better than you'. The more human decision making is removed from advertising and online business management the more successful we will be.
How it works
All your bank accounts will be linked to the Google Total Business Management System which will from thenceforth negotiate with your vendors, issue payroll checks and facilitate payments to Google on your behalf. Google will also make all of your business and advertising decisions for you.
Your employees will no longer report to you but to the Google Employee Bot (tm) which will analyze data across our network and the employee's computer, and if our data shows that an employee is less likely to provide improved business results (e.g. online sale, registration, phone call, newsletter sign-up), we may reduce the pay for that employee. You may notice a reduction in the cost of labor.
Google saves you time and hassle by estimating the ultimate success of your business and adjusting your business activity appropriately. With Google Total Business Management, you should automatically either succeed of fail in the marketplace without the stress of making any decisions.
The Best Part - With Google Total Business Management, logging into to a complicated administration webpage is no longer necessary! In fact, with Google Total Business Management no input from you of any kind is required at all! (except for your bank account numbers.)
We know that Google advertisers are above all concerned with ROI (Return on Investment) or the ratio of Return divided by Investment. Google engineers have recently determined that 0 divided by 0 is infinity! This is our goal for all Google advertisers.
So, sit back, relax, we'll do all the work, trust us.
Sincerely,
The Google AdWords Team
(p.s. for the lawyers, the above is satire [dictionary.reference.com])
[edited by: 258cib at 3:45 pm (utc) on April 2, 2004]
Google engineers have recently determined that 0 divided by 0 is infinity! This is our goal for all Google advertisers.
Now if only I could make money on that forumla... :)
