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I have a question

Probably the First On This Board

     
2:08 am on Jun 1, 2013 (gmt 0)

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My decision is mine>> I respect the many different ages, countries, and backgrounds this forum has in it.

Getting to point in life were my wife's family has to make a decision on their mother. She is welcome here but only if she pays us a small fee so she is never left alone, otherwise my wife needs to work.

Background-9 kids in the family 5 girls and 4 boys. All the girls work and are independent all the boys are sorry sacks of sh-t and live off other people.

My wife will not be able to work because I don't trust her family, the girls maybe the blood sucking boys no way. I can see it now mom falls going outside she lays out there say 8 hours and dies her sorry a boys sue me for neglect.

I already asked if she would get an alert thing on her wrist wife's mom said she didn't need it,

Well she does she can't take care of herself, Falls all the time diabetic, overweight and so forth.

I am not a monster but this is business. She can afford the 20.00 yea 20.00 a day I said she would be charged. Her reply I shouldn't be charged at all. My reply then move into a retirement center because you won't be staying here.

Am I a monster or am I looking out for the interest of MY family and children.
Thanks;
7:29 am on June 1, 2013 (gmt 0)

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My brief answer -- you have to be more careful when dealing with family than you do when dealing with strangers.

Get things in writing, and paying for basic care is more than fair, especially if:
1) she can afford to (sounds like "yes")
2) you guys need the extra money (sounds like "yes" as well)

As long as your wife is on board with all of it .. She may need to have a chat with her mom.
10:39 am on June 1, 2013 (gmt 0)

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I already asked if she would get an alert thing on her wrist wife's mom said she didn't need it,

I know plenty of people with elderly relatives who refused to wear their alert devices. I always made sure that my mother had hers but when she died I went to remove the base station and found that the phone lead had not just been unplugged but also neatly wound up and secured with a cable tie!

My expericence is that elderly people are more likely to listen to grandchildren or nephews and nieces than their own kids. Is there anybody in the extended family who you can take on board with talking to her?
1:23 am on June 2, 2013 (gmt 0)

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Thanks guys not really a good deal at all but since I won't move from my position she is going to live with another daughter that said she didn't need a caregiver. Trust me she can't make it without someone watching her, but I am out of it and will let them see when she moves in. Today she wanted to go in town I offered to drive her because she isn't safe, well before she could get out of the driveway she sideswiped my truck with her bumper. She opened the window and said what's that, I said mom ya just hit my truck, she said did I hurt my car. No mom ya just hurt mine and she said OH ok. Anyway the deal is done.

DrDoc my wife spoke to her first and they got into a pretty good argument over it so I stepped in and said what I said above. Her mom's from Czechoslovakia and she said this is they way it is done there end of story. I said Mom I am not Czechoslovakia sorry.
10:24 pm on June 2, 2013 (gmt 0)

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Marrying into a different culture has enormous challenges and a lot of rewards.
Balancing the ways of one culture with the ways of another culture is not easy.
I empathise with your situation and your quandary.
10:56 pm on June 2, 2013 (gmt 0)

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In my family background, any adult who lives in a household is expected to help support the costs of the household.

Even without the issue of care needs, it would be fair to negotiate some sort of payment to help cover room and board.

If she's going to live with a different sister, be on the lookout for ways to help, without needing to be asked. That sister is taking on a big commitment, maybe bigger than she knows, so remember the concept of "caring for the care giver" as well as doing things for your wife's mother directly.
12:13 am on June 3, 2013 (gmt 0)

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Today she wanted to go in town I offered to drive her because she isn't safe

You may want to have a chat with your local DMV. If someone genuinely isn't safe, they shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. Suppose she had sideswiped a grandchild instead? Even in the US, people beyond a certain age do tend to stop driving when their licenses are revoked.

In a recent conversation, my mother (in her late 70s) told me indignantly that her own license had been revoked. Based on the details as she gave them, the decision was absolutely correct. Besides, someone who has been living in an English-speaking country for fifty years ought to know that a "T intersection" does not mean "the intersection with T street".

she said this is they way it is done there

Probably isn't even true-- though possibly it was true when wife's mother was a girl, and that's what she is calling on now. Come to think of it, it can't be true, since there's currently no such country as Czechoslovakia ;)
5:59 am on June 3, 2013 (gmt 0)

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When you ask the question:
"Am I a monster or am I looking out for the interest of MY family and children?"
You obviously aren't looking for an answer, you are looking for justification of your position. It's somewhat moot as it appears someone else in the family has stepped up.

I find the car story interesting, you were standing outside there while she sideswiped your truck? Cool story, bro.

Some step up, some don't.
11:53 am on June 4, 2013 (gmt 0)

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Actually the one that did step up is now backing out as they now realize she can't be left alone. I think her husband has taken note of my position and realizes there is a good possibility the boys in the family could turn on them. I have had many hats in my life one was purchasing standing timber (25 years) and have seen how family can turn on family. I think they priced someone coming in during the day and found out it is 3 times what we are asking that she can't afford.

You ask why not assisted living well she doesn't want to sell her home. One of her boys just went to prison (been living with her for 3 years doing nothing but internet surfing, playing free poker, I have no idea). She I think feels the need to keep the home for when he gets out so he has a place to live. It is a sad deal so being the closest I now will have to travel 30 miles to take care of her place until something is decided. BTW her live in son had a girlfriend on disability that would come in during the day and take care of her. Her sorry A-- son didn't do squat and they paid her 400 a month till she decided it was time to move on, about the time he was sent to prison.

I spoke with her mom again last night about this and hopefully she sees what we are offering is more than fair. We have room I have no problem accepting the adding jobs she brings into our home I just won't accept the fact she will be here unsupervised and vulnerable. I asked my wife to speak to all her family about helping us take care of her and will see how that goes. Only the 4 girls can help the 5 boys are all without jobs and live off other people. Have no idea why they became leaches and all the girls are responsible.

We will probably end up with her so I am going to consult with a lawyer as to best protect me from lawsuits that could arise from an accident.

The car deal happened when I helped her get out of the driveway she turned to sharp and scrapped my truck down the driveway. I figured she was in the clear and stepped back in till I heard the noise. The truck is my farm truck so it is parked a little away from the home and the damage she did isn't an issue with me.

It has been decided she will not be able to drive by herself again I have put her car keys away and my wife will now drive her were she might need to go from now on.

[edited by: bwnbwn at 12:56 pm (utc) on Jun 4, 2013]

12:41 pm on June 4, 2013 (gmt 0)

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Am I a monster or am I looking out for the interest of MY family and children.


Are you a monster? No. You're nice for even considering it. I wouldn't take her, regardless of the money. She sounds like she needs to be in a home, and the fact she thinks she's perfectly fine means she's more likely to break your things and herself.

I don't get the senior entitlement. Yeah, you had 9 kids so you couldn't save a lot of money so you'll need to live with one, but how is that fair to the one unlucky kid who gets picked? They have to drop everything and take care of you while the others run free? Hell no. I'd put her in a home, and ask all the kids to put in their fair share to help pay for it if she can't on her own. If the kids can't or just choose not to, they should be cut out of any inheritance. If she complains, well, not your problem. Don't let others ruin your life, especially when they feel entitled to it. Helping to pay for her living costs elsewhere is plenty generous.

If you take her in, good luck. It sounds like a lot of stress you don't need or deserve. While you may think your at least keeping your wife happy, even she will grow tired of it eventually. It's a huge burden.
1:06 pm on June 4, 2013 (gmt 0)

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StoutFiles I don't either. I made a decision when I become unable to take care of myself I will not become an anchor to my children. I found me a real nice cliff to enjoy the beauty on the way down. I have been in nursing homes ,they just suck what money has been saved up for your children, that is not my idea of living so I will have me an accident (insurance won't pay if it is suicide).
4:00 pm on Sept 19, 2013 (gmt 0)

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If none of the boys work it sounds like they have the time to take shifts watching her. No?
1:17 am on Oct 17, 2013 (gmt 0)

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So... what's the status of this story?