incrediBILL - 9:44 am on Apr 1, 2013 (gmt 0)
Apple and the State of California jointly announced Thursday that Apple has agreed to use it's substantial financial reserve to bail out the fiscally troubled state of California which will be renamed Applefornia as part of the deal as well as other concessions, most have yet to be disclosed.
Apple Computer Inc, the world's largest corporation with an estimated $75 billion in cash which exceeds the current bank balance of the Federal Government, has finally decided what to do with all that surplus. announcing it publicly for the first time Thursday after the closing bell, as markets wouldn't be open on Good Friday. Apple held an unprecedented shareholders meeting and the new Apple investment plan which was put in motion by the late founder, marketing genius and visionary statesman Steve Jobs, that kept true to his wishes was under the utmost veil of secrecy until it was revealed publicly for the first time Thursday and was overwhelmingly approved by shareholders.
The Apple plan presented to the shareholders is a comprehensive financial aid package designed to reboot the stalled California economy, which has the 8th largest GDP (gross domestic product) in the world, yet hobbled by ineffective government leaving the state in dire financial straights. By giving California billions of dollars in bailout money over the next 10 years in order to stabilize their fiscal crisis Apple received significant considerations in return with a staggering 100% bipartisan approval by California's senate and legislature. Someone involved with the bailout legislation in Sacramento said "We're just glad someone stepped in and took over because quite frankly we're over our heads here and Apple's business acumen is sorely needed.". This deal is similar to major stadiums allowing themselves to be branded as the AT&T Park or HP Pavillion but the first time in history a major civic organization the size of the California Republic has ever allowed itself to be rebranded as part of a fiscal budget strategy.
An Apple spokesman said "Apple and California have a lot of synergy and we think the combination of Applefornia will help return this region to it's status as a world technology and economic leader for decades to come."
A government official close to the situation who did not want to be identified said "Major corporations making major contributions to civic projects isn't new but there has never been anything of this magnitude in history. Apple basically bought the State of California and the politicians are now taking all their walking orders directly from Cupertino so the tail is now wagging the dog."
Other concessions, besides changing the name of the state to Applefornia, is that a unspecified mountain in the high Sierra ski country visible from I-80 near Lake Tahoe will be renamed Mt. Applemore that will immortalize the faces of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak on the mountain and add a new attraction to the tourist industry. Local environmentalists were mortified and when they asked for an environmental impact study before proceeding were told by an Apple representative to "go pound sand, it's our mountain now". There will also be a pyramid larger than the Great Pyramid of Khufu built entirely out of Gorilla Glass(R) that will be adjacent to the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum in San Jose where Steve Jobs body will eventually moved and lie in state for Apple devotees can visit.
Californians, soon to be Applefornians, known to be major fans of Apple products that frequently camp out days or weeks in front of their technology outlets to be the first in line were jubilant at the news with massive crowds in the street holding up iPhones and iPads all chanting "ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" exuding levels of patriotic enthusiasm unmatched since the Revolutionary War.
When the news broke there was a flurry of activity in Mountain View at the Google campus where a panicked Android developer that wouldn't stop for an interview yelled "We're being airlifted to Seattle as it's just not safe around here anymore!" as he boarded the helicopter full of people wearing Android logo attire that quickly departed. The private jets of Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt, currently parked at nearby Moffet Field, were put into service giving free passage to any California-based Google employee feeling fearful and unsafe by the sudden change in political climate. Microsoft extended the olive branch offering sanctuary and temporary living quarters in Seattle and their Redmond site for any Google refugee.
Complete details of the Apple California bailout deal, rumored to be staggering in scope and scale, were supposedly going to be released later today in a historic press conference simulcast via a virtual presence from Cupertino and Sacramento. Steve Jobs will be making part of this presentation from a previously recorded message created before his untimely demise anticipating this great event and wanting to leave it as his greatest lasting legacy. The timing of this event so close to Easter has some of his critics making the obvious conclusions. The event is scheduled for 10:20 PST and will be streaming live for FaceTime users and available on iTunes for $1.99 ($2.99 for HD) in case you miss it live.