Sand - 9:37 pm on Jan 8, 2013 (gmt 0)

How can we make the link as helpful as possible for the user without shooting ourselves in the keister?

Don't overthink this. If the link goes to the homepage, use the anchor text 'home' (or something similar). If it goes to the contact page, use the word 'contact.'

In short, the anchor text should be what the page *is*, not what you wish it was instead.