I had a voicemail on Friday:
"Hi, this is Mr. So-and-so. You guys don't give a rat's a** about your customers. I ordered something Next-Day-Air
and it's not here yet! What is your major malfunction?! I'm going to open up a shop and put all of you out of business. And I'm going to keep calling back until I get someone who cares!"
|remember, Thursday was T-giving |
He left the same message on ten vm's in the office. And I assume he had a bit too much to drink with his turkey.
The best part is, "Brown" ended up losing his package TWICE! He-he-he-he, so he still doesn't have his order.
My favorite is having a customer complaining that she did not get her air mail package ordered on Sept 11,2001 on the prescribed date, but she did not care, that the only planes flying for the next five days were F16's and F18's flying CAP.
Worst thing, she lived in New York, NY.
The funniest interaction I had with a customer was when a lady called to complain that the product she ordered 2 weeks ago from us STILL wasn't delivered. She gave me a piece of her mind and said she wanted to cancel her order because she ordered from a somewhere else just 3 days ago and already received it.
I asked her for her order number to look at her order and the number she gave me was all wrong. I double checked it with her and told her that wasn't one of our order numbers. She looked at her paperwork and realized she called the wrong number. WE were the place she ordered from 3 days ago! I never heard anyone so embarrassed and apologetic. I told her it was fine with me, and that she certainly should call our competiter and tell them off! ;^)
We deliver flowers in 3rd world countries from their loved once in Wesetern countries.
A customer sent 12 carnations to his grand ma's 80th birthday. We delivered 12 red roses instead of carnations by mistake. (Red roses 2x expensive than carnations)
Few days later we get an e-mail from the customer pissed off at us for sending the wrong flowers.
The e-mail had an attachment of digital picture of his Grand ma holding the 12 red roses with a big smile.
We did a full refund, but had a big laugh out of it.
Customer emails and calls and is ticked off that his product hadn't arrived. Turns out his wife had signed for it a week earlier and forgot to tell him.
A women called and wanted to know how to put the money in the computer to pay for something. No, I'm not kidding.
pmac- that's an easy one. It's in the slot under the cup holder ;)
Had a woman call from Spain today (we are in US) asking about payment terms to place an order. She said with businesses they normally pay at 90 days.
I told her our options for international orders are prepaid by check or by credit card (a couple times).
She said ok to credit card then asked again about payment days. Sounded like she wanted to place the order now and then provide a credit card in 30, 60 or 90 days.
finally refered her to email address to continue conversation. Sometimes people have to hear and read to understand.
Lo siento, no habla espanol. ;)
Last christmas we offered gift recommendations based on the customers description of the person the gift was intended for, via email of course. We got something like this from a woman wanting to buy a gift for her boyfriend:
"Well, he's tall, skinny and has curly hair..."
Just recently I got an inquiry from someone asking if I could please relay a message to a certain famous TV-based fitness instructor -- to tell her how wonderful she is and ask her if she could send one of her leotards to him. He then gave his complete mailing address.
The thing is, not only do I have no connection whatsoever to this fitness instructor, my site has nothing to do with fitness. It's an online dictionary.
I got a call once from someone who said "I'm on your site but can't find the catalog". Considering that the site *is* the catalog, this caused almost 20 minutes of very confused conversation. I finally figured out that she had gone to the URL and immediately (and unknowingly) clicked on a safe shopping certification link.
A couple of months ago a general in the army ordered a product from my site that was over $800. When he finally received it in Hawaii, he called me outraged saying that I sent him the wrong product. I looked at my records and told him that I did not, he ordered the wrong product. He yelled and yelled until I agreed to do a refund. He said ok and I refunded his money, and then he charged back and got away with over $1600 of mine. He wouldn't answer the phone or emails, so I then sent him a nasty letter.
His initial response was "I'm a general in the Army and am always right" and "I am going to put up a website and tell the world of your crappy business".
I then asked a series of questions:
"Do you know what SEO stands for"?
"Do you know what Page Rank is"?
"What about link popularity"?
He answered no to all of the above and I then laughed a bit and told him to go ahead and build the page, and that I would even host it for him (for a fee, of course)...haha...of course he never did, and I received a money order for the difference in a matter of a couple days.
I used to sell chocolate covered coffee beans on ebay. One lady left this comment in my feedback: "You are so yummy"
(I think--hope--she meant "they"... ;)
Voicemail some years back:
"My 'widget' doesn't work, I plugged it in and nothing happens....I knew I shouldn't have done business with you people....I knew I couldn't trust the Internet.....I knew this would all turn out to be a disaster".
It worked fine after she decided to press the on switch. Note to all manufacturers of electronic equipment: Ship it with the on switch active ;)
Now I get email saying:
"My email doesn't work!".
Note to all ISP's and webmasters who provide POP3 access: Remember to tell the client they need to be connected to the Internet before their POP3 email access has much chance of working.
Received an email from a elderly guy asking me to look for lady called ****x he last saw in Cairo in 1942, gave a rough descripton but no other details.
Slight problem, this is nothing like we do, maybe he should an archeologist.
|Ship it with the on switch active |
That's no guarantee against customer panic. We need to find a way to ship the goods with the switch on AND the device plugged into the mains.
I despair at some of the calls we get. I don't know why we bother. Why can't we just have an IQ/commonsense test? All potential customers who fail get given our competitors' contact details. He he, I'd love that.
<However I tend to write my own and use Mals ecom cart as an add on.
Boy do I love it. If Mal was a women Id marry her.>
Essex_boy, say this to Mal and it will make his day!
Fresh off the press as of 5 minutes ago:
"Can you tell me a good email address to contact you on?"
Duh....well if I didn't get this message, I guess not, if I did, I guess you already know the answer....lmao ;)
I have an autoresponder linked to one of my accounts with random responses (it's an info site).
Email 1: Asked for help.
Email 2: Wow, that was fast, but it didn't answer my question.
Email 3: Did you know that you email me back something everytime I email you?
Email 4: This is fun, I like your quotes.
Email 5: Just seeing what other email you'd send me.
Email 6: I received that email already, can you please send me another autoresponse.
Email 7: Just playing with your autoresponder.
Email 8: Have you received my email yet?
Email 9: I forgot the question I asked, can you please forward me my origional mail?
I operate a national yellow pages directory for a small country which is also a popular holidy destination in europe.
Every year after the summer session I get a few dozend emails along the lines of:
"I met this cute guy in that bar, can you give me his mail address or mobile number?"
"Do you know mark? Can you send me his address?"
Let's just say there is a lot of language and teenage tourism going on, and the local kids prey on the tourists every year ;)
Hi, name is Nancy. My husbands mouse still doesnt work. I bought one for him from you. Do you know whats wrong with his mouse. I told her to send your husband to me and I will get him a brand NEW mouse....tested.
|My husbands mouse still doesnt work |
It maybe dirty balls: [thehumorarchives.com...]
Just had a live one.
' I cant buy from your site'
Why? what happens?
'Well I click on the buy now button and all it does is list what I clicked on with the shipping costs added....'
Scroll down the page moron to the checkout button.
Some people dont even look.
"why did you hang up on me?"
One of the items we sell does work best in pairs, but we make it clear on the site we sell it in single packages.
Customer replies to us
I ordered one, and got one.
Who has one arm?
I expected a set.
Next I ordered 2 and got 2.
Yes, how very strange that when ordering two you got two, guess what happens if you order three?
I once got an email asking me how much I sold combs for. That would be fine and well if my page had something to do with hair care, but it was a fan site for a famous mixed-martial artist.
The funny part is the martial artist has little to no hair.
Oh and now that I remember, I once got a call asking me for the price of a "surveilance cable". I asked him what it was, and he responded :
"It's that wire thing that be watchin people run all up in your apartment while you're gone. I want that thing that the government be having to watch they people, do you know what I mean? It would be hard if you guys had a camera hooked up to some kind of stun gun that would shock people when they try to touch my doorknob. Yeah."
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