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Giving away barely used customer free of charge.
Who wants this customer. Only minor design flaws.

 12:19 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

I have a customer I do not need anymore. I am giving it away free of charge. The customer is female, in good conditon, and has only a few minor design flaws:

- will command you (not ask!) to send her 20 EUR order free of shipping charges.
- will demand (not enquire) to know the cash discount for the order she just placed.
- will cancel the order when you answer that you do not offer free shipping and cash discounts.
- will write an email six weeks later, asking why you have not shipped the order.
- will write you letters in regular intervals and demand you cease sending promotional material by post, although you did not send anything.
- will write you an email at the end of the year demanding you send her a free calendar.
- will send you an email immediately after placing an order, demanding to know when the order will be shipped although this is clearly stated on your website and in the confirmation mail she received after she placed the order. In addition she wants to know the exact time when the order will be delivered.

So if you are interested in taking over this customer, call me at 555-loony-bin.



 12:43 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

I've been giving these away for years... :)

However, I do offer a $25 incentive if you take 2 or more off my hands...


 12:57 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

LOL. Always look at things - the cup half full - way. So it could have been worse, she could own a blog.

I was just perusing some facebook pages and saw a woman at a blogher meetup wearing this t-shirt: "Be nice to me or I'll blog about you!"


 1:55 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

I was remembering a similar customer last night from pre-internet days. At least with snail mail there was a breathing space between each communication.

When I worked as a bank clerk in the 70s
Transfer arrives from an overseas bank with customers name and account number.
I credit it correctly and send customer a printed advice
Customer comes in complaining telling us that we have made a mistake and the transfer is nothing to do with him
I take the money out of his account and put it in a suspense account and write to the remitting bank's London agent for more info.
Send customer statement to show that we have put things right.
Customer comes back in furious. Why have we taken the money that his brother sent him out of his account?

As editor of a printed magazine I regularly have to explain, usually without success, that we can't change the content after it has been printed.


 7:05 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

No thanks... I already have plenty of my own. And mine demand that I call them in the email, because they "need to talk to me".


 8:54 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

Hey, I have the male Canadian version of this customer. Though, not quite nearly as bad it seems.


 8:56 pm on May 4, 2011 (gmt 0)

Ive had a customer come in to teh office screaming and shouting threatening to thump me. Only problem was he was in the wrong building... But I let him carry on.


 1:52 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

From my experience in E-commerce:

1) How do you explain delivery in 5 working days to somebody that has never worked
2) Amazon Seller Central: "Excellent product, fast delivery" then they give a 1 star out of 5 for feedback
3) Can you ask the delivery man to leave it behind the shed if I'm not in

Years ago you had to be clever to have a computer. Now every idiot has one.


 2:59 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

3) Can you ask the delivery man to leave it behind the shed if I'm not in

Not a dumb request, I know companies who will print special instructions like that on the label. The delivery man usually ignores them but that's another story.


 4:09 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

It's just the assumption that the customer believes you know the delivery man personally.


 5:04 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

It's just the assumption that the customer believes you know the delivery man personally.

Yes but you have been in the industry for a few years now and you must ship a lot of packages, so how can you not know the delivery guy? What kind of operation are you running?


 5:28 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

We use several couriers that pickup and I can assure you the guy that picks it up is not the guy who finally delivers the item.
Unless of course he drives from Landsend to John O' Groats and then catches the ferry over to Ireland comes back then pops over to France on the overnight.

"What kind of operation are you running?" - Not an ebay style operation that's for sure.


 6:29 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

The parcel behind a shed or a bush is a real classic.

It's just the assumption that the customer believes you know the delivery man personally.

No, it's the assumption YOU deliver the parcels personally.

"Please come between eight and eleven, if you come later please ring next door at Ms. Miller and leave the parcel there."

Yes of course, I'll just have to check when the next plane to London takes off. Have some tea and cookies ready when I come.

Best thing is: When the parcel service leaves the parcel behind the bush or in the garage and the parcel is gone. Whose fault is that? I do not know but I know it is not the customers. At least that's what they tell me when that happens.


 8:41 pm on May 16, 2011 (gmt 0)

Intrigued by all this. I feel SO left out:

"Our policy is well-stated. Take it or leave me alone."
"Signature on Delivery Required. Two attempts then will be returned incurring 20% restocking fee."
"No Refunds." On certain products.
"As Is." On certain products.
"USA and Canada Only." On All products. (No disparagement to other countries, I just like to keep my biz and shipping costs close to home.)

I must be doing something wrong. Everybody I work with seems normal, reasonable, and interested...

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